One Down, Five to Go!

2-1 and we are off. Yesterday my day surgery went well and I now have a porta cath in my chest. Besides a big bruise and some ugly stitches, you would not know it was there unless you looked real hard. I am so thankful they waited till this morning to start the treatments because once again, the anesthesia made me sick. Although the fact that they left the needle in overnight made for an uncomfortable night, I sure appreciated it this morning when they did not have to re-stick me! My wonderful nurse, Lori, called me in some wonderful numbing medicine that I can put on my skin each time before they have to stick me!

Today went well with my treatment. Today I was there for 5 hours! Usually on my Herceptin weeks, they said to plan for 1 hour. On my chemo weeks it will probably be 4 hours. I am so thankful that the room is not a sterile doctor's office environment. There are leather lounge chairs and recliners everywhere, a living room area with couches and a little kitchenette area with drinks, sandwiches, sweets, etc. for those who are there for a while. My husband even got to come back with me and he could sit and watch t.v., grade papers, etc. The biggest reaction I've had so far was to the Benedryl...I fell fast asleep. :) Right now I am just a little shaky and tired. My husband is at the pharmacy stocking up on the nausea meds, pain relievers, stool softeners, diarrhea meds, and other suggested items. I'm in it for the long haul. We are one down and five to go!

For Valentines Day my husband got me the bracelet that was suggested in the comments. Now I will plan to buy one new bead each time I complete another chemo treatment. I may try to get my first bead tomorrow if the steroids are still working and I have the energy. :) That will give me something to definitely look forward to! I should have a beautiful bracelet by this summer!

3-2-1

"3" - Today I began the countdown leading up to my first treatment day. My echocardiogram went well. I was not sure what to expect, but it was basically an ultrasound of my heart. Although I was not looking forward to another medical procedure, it is nice to know that my heart looks great!

After my visit, my husband and I went out to lunch for our "Valentine" date since I will be going to visit my grandparents this weekend. My grandpa is in a nursing home and although they have chosen not to tell him that I have cancer, someone told him that I was very sick and he has been worried about me ever since. I have not seen them since Christmas and once my chemo starts I don't know if I will be able to travel for a while, so I am going to go for a quick visit and set my grandpa's mind at ease.

So, I will enjoy the weekend and get ready for my surgery on Monday!

Uuggh!

Uuggh! That is exactly how I have felt this weekend. Last week, I tried to squeeze in doctors and dentist appointments for the kids so that I did not have to go into any children's doctors office once I started chemo and run the risk of catching something. So what happened? I caught a stomach bug this weekend. I do not do well with nausea and it made me afraid of my first treatment coming up. I know they have great nausea meds, but none of them worked for me when I was pregnant (I was sick for about 7 months with each pregnancy) and I am fearful that they won't work now. I have all the factors of someone who might get sick on the meds. I had bad morning sickness with my pregnancies, I get motion sick (I can't even swing), I am sensitive to medications, etc. I can't even begin to imagine being sick for the next 5 months! I have to stop and take a deep breath and put it out of my mind. I won't borrow worry, I will just wait till Tuesday morning and see what happens. They are going to start the process slowly to make sure that I don't get really sick or have an allergic reaction, so I am supposed to plan to be there for about 4 hours. Good thing I have a great book list started. I've gotten some great suggestions and can't wait to get started. I've started the list that I have on hand on the side of my blog site. I will add to it as I finish the books and I have and get some new ones. If you are reading one of the same ones, feel free to comment on what you think about it!

The writing is therapy for me and your comments are encouragement to me. They make me feel like I am not so alone on this journey. So thank you! And I will share with you that after my bout with sickness this weekend, my main prayer request right now is that I will be able to be strong and not be sick when I start chemo on Tuesday.

Making the most of it!

Well, little by little I am finding out more details about my treatment process. I will be going in on Monday the 15th to have day surgery to have my port put in. This port will allow me to have the chemo and Herceptin with a minimal amount of pain and will protect my veins from collapsing. The veins in my hand and arm would never hold up to an I.V. every week for a year. Then, on Tuesday the 16th I will go in to begin my first treatment. We forgot to ask, but my friend said that her treatments took about 2 hours each time, so that is what I am going to try to prepare for. They did show me the room where I would go each week. There are huge leather recliners with cup holders where I will sit while I have the infusion. Since it looks like I'll be spending some time there, I'm going to try to make the most of it. I am loading up my i-pod with all my favorite songs and starting to put together a list of books I'd like to read. I have 5 so far that I'm excited to read. Feel free to offer me more suggestions of your favorites. :)

1. "Half the Sky" by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn
2. "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom
3. "Mansfield Park" by Jane Austen
4. "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller
5. "Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear" by Max Lucado

My friend Pam, a fellow adoptive mom who I got to meet for the first time today, suggested that I find some small way to celebrate and count down each chemo treatment. Something small like buying a purse or something I've been wanting, stopping on my way home to pick up my favorite dessert (5 layer chocolate cake with raspberry sauce from O'Charley's or Italian Creme Cheese cake!) I think that is an awesome idea. I was wanting to count them down anyway. So, while the suggestions for books are flowing, any ideas for small ways I can celebrate as I finish each chemo treatment? Thank you for all the love and support!

Treatment Plan

Today was my first visit with my oncologist. We really like him so far and have friends who sing his praises, so we feel like we are in good hands. We had a long talk and have lined up our plans for the cancer treatment. Someone asked me this week how I'm feeling about everything and right now, I am in a fighting mood. :) I am ready to do whatever it takes to get going and get rid of whatever might be lurking around in my body. Because my cancer was HER2 positive (only 25% of breast cancer patience have this more aggressive kind) right now I have a 45% chance of it recurring. The treatment plan that I will be taking has a 90% success rate, so I am ready to get started.

• Friday the 12th I go in for an echocardiogram so they can get a clear picture of my heart. The Herceptin can damage the heart sometimes, so this will allow them to keep a check on me.
• Some time the week after Valentines Day, I will go in for a day surgery to have a port cath put in my chest. This will allow them to give me the treatments there. My veins would not hold up to an I.V. every week for a year.
• The same day the port is put in, I will have my first treatment of chemo and Herceptin. I will have 6 treatments of chemo, 1 every 3 weeks till I reach the 6. I will have the Herceptin infusions every week for 1 year.

This week, I got an e-mail from a friend of my husbands. She said that the Lord had given her 2 verses for me and they are perfect "fight songs" for me as I get ready to head into this crazy year that lies ahead!

Jeremiah 32:27

"I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?"

Jeremiah 32:17

"Ah, Lord God! It is You who have made the heavens and the earth

by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm!

Nothing is too hard for You!

Drowning

So far, I think I have held up pretty well during the month and 1/2 since my diagnosis. It is hard for me to even contemplate how a whole life can change in just that short amount of time. In one instance, nothing has changed. I am still me, same kids, same house, same job, same duties to do. On the other hand, so much has changed for me.

I have not allowed myself to really read the materials I was given, or research breast cancer in general. I have enjoyed just living in the moment, with just the basic facts necessary to make some decisions. However, last night I did finally pull out some materials and read them. I wanted to be as informed as possible heading into my visit with my oncologist on Tuesday. To put it simply, it was a little scary. I suddenly got the feeling of how easy it would be to become overwhelmed with the information, the emotions, and the unanswered questions. I felt like it would not take much and if I gave in just a little bit to those feelings, I would quickly be drowning in sorrow and the loss of security that I am starting to sense. Suddenly every pain, or ache, or feeling becomes a question. Is there more cancer somewhere else? Is it inside me growing and how long will it take me to find it? I thought of 3 women, my age, with young children, who died last year from cancer here in my community. I started to cry, quickly called a friend, and we talked it through. I was able to calm down and fall asleep.

I will mourn and grieve my loss so that I don't carry around all the negative inside. However, I have so, so much to be thankful for and have been blessed so much. Those things are my lifesavers and what I choose to cherish each day. I plan to take each day as it comes and not worry about the tomorrows. I think of the words to the Kutless song, "I'm Still Yours," another new favorite song sent to me by a friend...and I am choosing for "my hands to stay lifted" in praise to my Heavenly Father whom I know loves me with an "everlasting love!" Jeremiah 31:3

If You washed away my vanity

If You took away my words

If all my world was swept away

Would You be enough for me?

Would my beating heart still sing?

If I lost it all

Would my hands stay lifted

To the God who gives and takes away

If You take it all

This life You've given

Still my heart will sing to You

When my life is not what I expected

The plans I made have failed

When there's nothing left to steal me away

Will You be enough for me?

Will my broken heart still sing?

Laughter is the best medicine!

One of the cancer books I just read, talked about laughter being great medicine for the body. Those who know me, know that I am more melancholy in personality, so I don't get "tickled" as easily as some people, like, say, my husband who is very sanguine. The author of the book suggested several movies that she would watch over and over again, laughing till she cried. My mom looked up the movies online to see if we could order them and she was appalled at the choices. They were nothing that I would watch or even think was funny. So, I will put the question out there. Do any of you have a favorite movie (one that does not contain questionable content or language) that makes you laugh silly? I would love to hear your suggestions.

On a side note, there are a few little things that have happened that might not be funny to anyone else, but since my diagnosis they have made me smile inside or even laugh out loud!

• A card from Steven, one of my husband's high school students. Steven said something sweet on one side, then on the other side put, "This was going to be my witty/funny page, but I don't do well under pressure. Here's a muffin!" Underneath he drew a muffin. The he put, "P.S. Muffins are ugly cupcakes. So that's really a cupcake."
• Having a friend, Jenny, who went through this before me, that I can call at anytime and ask her personal questions about her reconstruction and implants!
• Trying to work with my friend, Angela, whose New Balance business works closely with the Susan G. Komen Foundation to order me a sports bra with a zipper in the front that fits. I don't think the sizing works exactly right when you only have a breast on 1 side. :) It was hilarious to me trying to explain to her the struggle my mom and I had trying to get one to fit.
• Shopping with my husband for a recliner to sleep in during the reconstruction phase. Do we buy leather because it's on sale and will stay stylish and last longer or go granny fabric with lots of poofs because it's comfy cozy?

Funny the things that make you smile when you are looking at things with new eyes!