Thursday, January 28, 2010

Drowning

So far, I think I have held up pretty well during the month and 1/2 since my diagnosis. It is hard for me to even contemplate how a whole life can change in just that short amount of time. In one instance, nothing has changed. I am still me, same kids, same house, same job, same duties to do. On the other hand, so much has changed for me.

I have not allowed myself to really read the materials I was given, or research breast cancer in general. I have enjoyed just living in the moment, with just the basic facts necessary to make some decisions. However, last night I did finally pull out some materials and read them. I wanted to be as informed as possible heading into my visit with my oncologist on Tuesday. To put it simply, it was a little scary. I suddenly got the feeling of how easy it would be to become overwhelmed with the information, the emotions, and the unanswered questions. I felt like it would not take much and if I gave in just a little bit to those feelings, I would quickly be drowning in sorrow and the loss of security that I am starting to sense. Suddenly every pain, or ache, or feeling becomes a question. Is there more cancer somewhere else? Is it inside me growing and how long will it take me to find it? I thought of 3 women, my age, with young children, who died last year from cancer here in my community. I started to cry, quickly called a friend, and we talked it through. I was able to calm down and fall asleep.

I will mourn and grieve my loss so that I don't carry around all the negative inside. However, I have so, so much to be thankful for and have been blessed so much. Those things are my lifesavers and what I choose to cherish each day. I plan to take each day as it comes and not worry about the tomorrows. I think of the words to the Kutless song, "I'm Still Yours," another new favorite song sent to me by a friend...and I am choosing for "my hands to stay lifted" in praise to my Heavenly Father whom I know loves me with an "everlasting love!" Jeremiah 31:3

If You washed away my vanity
If You took away my words
If all my world was swept away
Would You be enough for me?
Would my beating heart still sing?

If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away

If You take it all
This life You've given
Still my heart will sing to You

When my life is not what I expected
The plans I made have failed
When there's nothing left to steal me away
Will You be enough for me?
Will my broken heart still sing?

3 comments:

Robin and Billy said...

Hey Candi,

I remember when the boys were in the NICU and they were telling us not to get our hopes up. They wouldn't promise us tomorrows, they just told us that in the NICU you take one hour at a time. The boys weren't doing so well. Blood transfusions, brain bleeds, heart valves not closing, numerous tubes going in and out everywhere, and they weren't able to keep their oxygen saturation levels up. My heart was so heavy. . . breaking actually. I was pumping hoping that one day they'd be able to take it in for nurishment. Tears were flowing like a river bursting at the seams and I remember hearing the Lord ask me, "Will you still lift your hands and praise me no matter what the outcome?" I couldn't imagine the thought of losing them, but I knew my Heavenly Father. I knew, "He doeth all things well." It was at that very moment I lifted my hands up in the air and said, "No matter what, I will praise you. They are yours." It was at that moment I had a peace that came over me like a flood. It wasn't the last time, but the first of many that I lifted my hands to him in prayer, praise, and thankfulness. It was a long road, but I felt the Lord walking every step with me.

I know He, our Father, will walk you through this "bend" in your road. He's going to feel more real to you than you ever thought possible. He's getting you ready for something BIG. He's got plans for you and as your friend I'm anxious to watch, pray, and marvel at the wonderful journey He takes you on.

We love you, David, and the children.

hearingelmo said...

HUGS Candi! I love the song lyrics you shared. Praying for you and for that peace that only comes from our Father in Heaven.

Love you!

Denise

Peter and Nancy said...

I used to do PR for my job before I began staying home -- and the relationships I cultivated with the media during good times were very important when our organization went through bad times. I've always thought of that as a parallel for how we relate to God -- we get to know Him and His character and trustworthiness during the good times. When bad times come, the things we learned will help us remember that He is good, loving, consistent and faithful even though life has been turned upside down.

That's so much what I see in you, Candice. God is smiling on you as you continue to see Him for who He really is. It is remarkable to see you do this even when you feel most vulnerable.
Nancy