I have not allowed myself to really read the materials I was given, or research breast cancer in general. I have enjoyed just living in the moment, with just the basic facts necessary to make some decisions. However, last night I did finally pull out some materials and read them. I wanted to be as informed as possible heading into my visit with my oncologist on Tuesday. To put it simply, it was a little scary. I suddenly got the feeling of how easy it would be to become overwhelmed with the information, the emotions, and the unanswered questions. I felt like it would not take much and if I gave in just a little bit to those feelings, I would quickly be drowning in sorrow and the loss of security that I am starting to sense. Suddenly every pain, or ache, or feeling becomes a question. Is there more cancer somewhere else? Is it inside me growing and how long will it take me to find it? I thought of 3 women, my age, with young children, who died last year from cancer here in my community. I started to cry, quickly called a friend, and we talked it through. I was able to calm down and fall asleep.
I will mourn and grieve my loss so that I don't carry around all the negative inside. However, I have so, so much to be thankful for and have been blessed so much. Those things are my lifesavers and what I choose to cherish each day. I plan to take each day as it comes and not worry about the tomorrows. I think of the words to the Kutless song, "I'm Still Yours," another new favorite song sent to me by a friend...and I am choosing for "my hands to stay lifted" in praise to my Heavenly Father whom I know loves me with an "everlasting love!" Jeremiah 31:3