This week I went to a new Internal Medicine doctor. I needed to get established as a new patient so that I have somewhere to go if I get sick. As she was asking all kinds of questions going through my medical history, she asked me if I had any depression or anxiety. I told her I had in the past, but not now. She seemed startled and asked, "Not at all? Not with all the cancer stuff you are going through?" I had to say, "No, not really." She then asked me why I thought that was. I told her I was not sure, but I just felt like my cancer was not a surprise to God, and that since He had allowed it, He must have a purpose, and He had promised to carry me through, so I was just trusting His promises. She thought that was great, and carried on with the appointment.
Fast forward to Sunday. At church we watched a video clip and I was reminded of the passage in Matthew 14:22-32 where Jesus and Peter walk on the water. In the midst of the storm, Peter walks on water...like he was floating...as long as he looked at Jesus. The second he looked away, he began to sink and be overwhelmed by the storm. Then it hit me. I think that is a great description of how I've felt. I cannot describe why I've had a peace in the midst of this storm except that I've tried to keep my eyes on Jesus. I have literally felt like I was "floating" through this storm, or like I was walking on water with the storm raging around me. I have no doubt that if I took my eyes off of Jesus and looked at my circumstances, that I would, in an instant, be drowning in grief, sorrow, fear of the unknown, confusion, anger, frustration, etc. Jesus told Peter, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid." In a way, I feel like He has said the same thing to me. So, I continue to move forward with baby steps. It's like I am walking on the water, through this storm, being held up by the gaze and arms of Jesus!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Finished last chemo. Feeling much better emotionally knowing that part is over. Still going for weekly Herceptin treatments. Completed blood test to check for ovarian cancer. Awaiting results for that. Second echocardiogram shows my heart still going strong. Trying to get on with life in the mean time!
Life in general is different now since my cancer diagnosis. I have to be more careful of my health now. I get tired and cranky more easily. (just ask my husband or my kids :) But, life goes on. We are going to try to take a vacation close to home in July. My sister is due to have her baby in July. Two of my kiddos will be having their tonsils and adenoids out in July. I am looking forward to it all.
One good thing a cancer diagnosis does for everyone I think, is to make them stop and evaluate what is important to them in life. I so cherish getting to do the ordinary and mundane things and I value my time with my family so much. I also have a new empathy for those fighting the battle with cancer...my pediatricians wife, my sister-in-law's mother, a friend's husband. I am reminded that our circumstances do not change who God is. He is still my Father, Friend, Healer, Comforter, and He hears the prayers of this faint-hearted soul. So, tonight I offer up prayers of praise for my healing, thanksgiving for my friends and family, and petitions for those in the middle of suffering. Amen!
Friday, June 18, 2010
This week I watched "The Princess Diaries 2" with my daughters. It's such a cute movie. I guess every little girl dreams about being a princess someday. I have loved watching my daughters growing up. They are so beautiful and talented and sweet. I am excited to see how they continue to grow. Of course I am not looking forward to the whole "boy" stuff that is sure to come. All I can do is pray that even now the Lord is preparing their "prince" for their future together. In the meantime, I just had to laugh at their sweetness. After watching the movie, they immediately took off to play in their room. As they went, my 9 year old said, "Come on! Let's pretend that I'm a princess and you are..." Now I expected to hear the words, "you are the prince." Not being ready for them to start all the boy/girl stuff I must have been holding my breath. I need not have worried however. To my delight and amusement, she finished the sentence..."and you are my royal horse!" So much better in my opinion. :)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I finished my last chemo yesterday! Praise the Lord I made it through. Well, give me a week and a half to feel better and then I can say I made it through. :) I couldn't finish my chemo without some drama though. Yesterday, halfway through my second chemo drug, I had a reaction of some sort to the meds. My chest got real tight and heavy and I began having labored breathing. They immediately stopped the drug, took my blood pressure, checked my oxygen level and listened to my lungs and heart. Apparently on this drug some people have a reaction on their 6th or 7th time taking it. Weird. Anyway, after monitoring me for an hour and giving me another bag of steroids and another bag of fluids, I was cleared to finish. We took it more slowly the second time around and I was able to finish ok. Needless to say, by the time I got home I was very tired and swollen from all the fluids. We had been there from 10:30 a.m. till 4:30 p.m. Nothing like going out with a bang. :)
Today I am tired of course, but the swelling is going down now. I know I can finish up the rest of my treatments now. With the Herceptin I have some headaches and body aches and some insomnia, but that is all doable. I will finish in February hopefully and then begin discussions about reconstruction. For now, I'm just going to rest and wait for this week to pass.