Tuesday, April 27, 2010

No Fun to be Around

Ok. I will admit today that I must be someone right now who is no fun to be around. After chemo #4 I am an emotional and physical basket case. It is funny to me because when I do go out, everyone I see says how good I look. Maybe it's the wig, maybe it's the steroids they have me on, who knows, but I feel like I am ready to fly to Mexico to live out the rest of my life, following alternative treatments and eating only organic vegetables till I die of old age. :) Ok, my husband says that's a bit extreme.

I am so emotional. I cry mostly because I don't feel well. But, nowdays, I cry at the drop of a hat. Two weeks ago I cried watching my daughter singing "Banjo On My Knee," with her choir. Can you believe that? Me with tears running down my face while that song was being sung? What's more unbelievable is that I think I was crying just because I thought it was cool that she was singing the Alto (or low part)! Today she brought home a piece of paper from school that gave information about her upcoming 5th grade graduation and I started again...crying uncontrollably because it said that after her ceremony at school that morning the 5th graders must go home and not remain at school that day. How am I ever going to handle the actual piano and choir recitals coming up, or even the graduation ceremony itself? My husband is going to have to lock me up!

I also cry because I am tired. I'm tired in general. This week I am extra tired because apparently I have picked up some kind of infection on top of the chemo, so I am now on antibiotics too, and I've lost my voice. I am tired of not being able to taste stuff or get this awful metallic taste out of my mouth. I am tired of the muscles in my left eye twitching. This has been going on for two months now. I am tired of hot flashes. On top of everything else, the chemo is sending me into early menopause! I have so much hope and I know that this season will not last forever. My cancer is gone and I have so much to be grateful for. However, this also makes me tired...the emotional roller-coaster of gratefulness and sorrow mixed together.

So, what to do? All I can do right now is go to bed, so to save my family from more hilarious tears tonight, that's exactly what I am going to do. Good night.

"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is compassionate.
The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low and He saved me.
Return to your rest, O my soul,
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
For Thou hast rescued my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
Psalms 116:5-9 NASV


Blake, Alisha, and Jackson said...

I love you sweet friend, and I am praying for you every day.

Peter and Nancy said...

My kids and I are praying for you, Candice. I hope you have people around you who aren't afraid of tears -- a friend of mine from church had her perspective on crying changed on a mission trip a few years ago. A Haitian woman was crying inconsolably about a loss she'd endured, and my friend Tiffany was trying frantically to think of something comforting to say.

Another Haitian woman came into the room, walked up to her, enfolded her in her arms and said, "How beautiful. God is cleansing your soul."

With that said, I do hope the hormones settle down -- it sounds as though your soul has had lots of cleansing this week. Your endurance is amazing, dear Candice.

Julie & Patrick said...

Tears, whether justified or not, show that even when pumped full of chemo that is busy ridding your body of cells, it can not take your emotions and ability to FEEL and that is a beautiful thing.

Praying for you.
Julie R

Anonymous said...

praying for you daily Candi!

Pam said...

I'm so sorry you are in this season, friend. I wish I could be there to wipe your tears, give you a hug, and make you laugh until you cry. Praying for you!