Besides the week after each chemo when I am sick, I have decided that the worst thing about this cancer diagnosis is the "missing mommy" scenario that has developed. I honestly feel like my life has been put on hold till June when my last chemo is over. I am trying my best to be a part of everything that I can, but it's just not possible to do it all. Although I am sure the forced rest is good for me since my family is always on the go, it is still difficult to be left at home in bed and not feel like doing things I normally would.
My mom and my husband saved Micah's "gotcha day" and birthday. But I've missed choir concerts, soccer games, church and other things. I did buy Easter outfits this year, but I had forgotten to get shorts and shoes for the boys until it was too late and I'd already had my latest chemo. Thankfully, my husband and my sister met at Target on Saturday afternoon and found some that would work. I am grateful and it wasn't that big of a deal, but I just felt so sad. It just felt like one more thing I was missing. Of course I had to miss service this year, so our Easter picture this year is just of my beautiful kiddos!
I know it's not forever and I have so, so much to be grateful for, so I am going to stop complaining now. I just wanted to be truthful and being able to document my feelings is helpful to me, so that is how it is.