Fear vs. Love

For years I have struggled with being fearful of God. Not so much afraid of Him, but fearful that He might not answer in my hour of need. I have struggled with why He is there to answer some prayers when people are in trouble, and why He does not seem to answer the prayers of others. Of course that led me to be a little fearful in my heart...would He answer when I needed Him?

About 1 month before my cancer diagnosis the Lord seemed to be speaking to my heart about trusting him. I was reading a book called, "There's Gotta Be More," by Donna Gaines and I read that you cannot fear God and be in love with Him at the same time. I John 4:18, "There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear." Once we realize that God's love toward us is "furious and perfect," we can entrust ourselves totally and completely to Him. We can offer our lives to God as a living sacrifice, which is a spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1) I confessed my fragile faith and tearfully whispered to my heavenly Father that I did not want to live in fear of Him, but instead wanted to live my life trusting Him and falling more in love with Him.

I know now that God was preparing my heart for the cancer news that was to come 2 weeks later. It's hard to explain, but even while I feel I am falling, I have a peace that I am actually resting safely in the palms of His hands. I have been receiving songs from friends that have touched me in different ways. It's funny how you can hear a song a million times and it doesn't speak to you, and then something happens and it's like you are hearing something you've never heard before. This song, "Bring The Rain," by Mercy Me said perfectly how I was feeling that first week we got the news.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain