No Fun to be Around

Ok. I will admit today that I must be someone right now who is no fun to be around. After chemo #4 I am an emotional and physical basket case. It is funny to me because when I do go out, everyone I see says how good I look. Maybe it's the wig, maybe it's the steroids they have me on, who knows, but I feel like I am ready to fly to Mexico to live out the rest of my life, following alternative treatments and eating only organic vegetables till I die of old age. :) Ok, my husband says that's a bit extreme.

I am so emotional. I cry mostly because I don't feel well. But, nowdays, I cry at the drop of a hat. Two weeks ago I cried watching my daughter singing "Banjo On My Knee," with her choir. Can you believe that? Me with tears running down my face while that song was being sung? What's more unbelievable is that I think I was crying just because I thought it was cool that she was singing the Alto (or low part)! Today she brought home a piece of paper from school that gave information about her upcoming 5th grade graduation and I started again...crying uncontrollably because it said that after her ceremony at school that morning the 5th graders must go home and not remain at school that day. How am I ever going to handle the actual piano and choir recitals coming up, or even the graduation ceremony itself? My husband is going to have to lock me up!

I also cry because I am tired. I'm tired in general. This week I am extra tired because apparently I have picked up some kind of infection on top of the chemo, so I am now on antibiotics too, and I've lost my voice. I am tired of not being able to taste stuff or get this awful metallic taste out of my mouth. I am tired of the muscles in my left eye twitching. This has been going on for two months now. I am tired of hot flashes. On top of everything else, the chemo is sending me into early menopause! I have so much hope and I know that this season will not last forever. My cancer is gone and I have so much to be grateful for. However, this also makes me tired...the emotional roller-coaster of gratefulness and sorrow mixed together.

So, what to do? All I can do right now is go to bed, so to save my family from more hilarious tears tonight, that's exactly what I am going to do. Good night.

"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is compassionate.

The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low and He saved me.

Return to your rest, O my soul,

for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For Thou hast rescued my soul from death,

my eyes from tears,

my feet from stumbling.

I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

Psalms 116:5-9 NASV

Buy a Necklace, Protect a Life!

Ok. This blog was started for me to write about things I am passionate about, and for obvious reasons, it has begun as a blog about my experience so far with breast cancer. Today, however, I wanted to share about something else...my heart ache for the orphan.

I love the ministry Children's Hope Chest run by President Tom Davis. He has written a couple of Novels and also the books, "Fields of the Fatherless" and "Red Letters," which are fantastic. He is passionate about helping the poor and the orphan and is on the front lines daily in Africa, Russia and India. He just returned from a trip to Moldova, Russia, the sex-trafficking capitol in Europe. Children's Hope Chest is partnering with 2 organizations there that are working to rescue girls from this fate. A huge number of the girls trafficked are orphans who have just been let go from the orphanages at the ages of 15 and 16.

You can follow Tom's blog by clicking on the link in the side bar of my blog here. Right now they are offering a necklace that you can purchase for Mother's Day and the proceeds go to help these girls in Russia. The description reads:

This Mothers Day, Children’s HopeChest is partnering with AdoptionFathers.com to bring you the Love Goes Around necklace. This beautiful, limited edition, hand-made necklace will make an incredibly meaningful Mother’s Day gift.

When you buy this necklace for your mother, wife, sister, or daughter, proceeds will go directly to support young women like Masha, and other girls who benefit from programs at the Ministry Centers. Each necklace provides one of the following:

• 2 weeks of direct assistance for a women in our Young Mothers Program
• Nearly 1 month of mentorship, counseling, and discipleship at our Ministry Center

The necklaces are a bit expensive, but for the cost of a good pedicure or a meal at an expensive restaurant, you can help protect a life instead! Please click on the link hopechest.org to make your purchase! Thank you!

Missing Mommy.

Besides the week after each chemo when I am sick, I have decided that the worst thing about this cancer diagnosis is the "missing mommy" scenario that has developed. I honestly feel like my life has been put on hold till June when my last chemo is over. I am trying my best to be a part of everything that I can, but it's just not possible to do it all. Although I am sure the forced rest is good for me since my family is always on the go, it is still difficult to be left at home in bed and not feel like doing things I normally would.

My mom and my husband saved Micah's "gotcha day" and birthday. But I've missed choir concerts, soccer games, church and other things. I did buy Easter outfits this year, but I had forgotten to get shorts and shoes for the boys until it was too late and I'd already had my latest chemo. Thankfully, my husband and my sister met at Target on Saturday afternoon and found some that would work. I am grateful and it wasn't that big of a deal, but I just felt so sad. It just felt like one more thing I was missing. Of course I had to miss service this year, so our Easter picture this year is just of my beautiful kiddos!

I know it's not forever and I have so, so much to be grateful for, so I am going to stop complaining now. I just wanted to be truthful and being able to document my feelings is helpful to me, so that is how it is.