My Favorite Things

2 Years Cancer Free!

2012-01-13T09:54:00.006-05:00

Today I am "2 Years Cancer Free"! Although my official bloodwork is not until next week, today is exactly 2 years from my first surgery to remove the cancer! This is a big one for me. Because of the particular aggressive nature of the type of cancer that I had, (love saying HAD), the highest rate of return is within the first 2 years. Reaching this milestone gives me hope that I will reach my 5 year mark, the next big goal, and still be able to say "cancer free!"

This week 2 sweet friends of mine, Sherry and Jenny, brought me the Willow Tree figurine, "Grateful." It is a perfect gift for me this week! Not only did it remind me that I am loved, but it will continue to remind me to live in gratitude to my Heavenly Father! I am not only grateful to reach my 2 year mark, but looking back over the last 2 years, I have so many blessings and mercies to be grateful for!

And God Speaks

2012-01-10T12:34:00.003-05:00

Last night I had every intention of starting my morning...and the rest of the mornings this year, with prayer and Bible Study. As many good intentions do, mine did not happen. It was my plan to take the 30 minutes I have after my middle schooler leaves for school and before I have to wake my elementary 2, to read and pray. However, I was tired (I'm always tired nowdays) and I justified, as I so easlily can, and chose to lay down for those 30 minutes. Of course, by the time my alarm went off, I had not fallen asleep, so I felt worse. After getting my next 2 off to school, I lay back down and 15 minutes later my 3 year old wakes up. By now, I'm very cranky (big shock) and I'm getting a headache from trying to sleep. After his breakfast, I unfairly wrestle him down and make him lie down again while I try to sleep. We both finally fall asleep for a short while.

Now this is definitely NOT how I wanted to start my day. I have gotten nothing accomplished, I'm in a bad mood, I still did not have a quiet time with the Lord, and now I have a slight headache! I decided sit down at the computer while I ate my lunch and read some of the blogs I follow, but have not gotten to check for the last couple of weeks over the holidays. Can you imagine my surprise when I pull up the first one by Mark Batterson and read this...

The 21-Day Prayer Challenge begins today!

I believe that your destiny is determined in the early daylight hours. How you start the day will determine what the rest of the day is like. That is why praying and reading Scripture in the morning is so important. It sets the tone. Like turning the dial on your radio, it’s the way you tune into God’s frequency. And that daily discipline will ultimately determine your destiny.

He also included the verse found in Psalms 5:3 "In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice; in the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation." Wow. I felt like my Heavenly Father had just sat down to lunch with me and shared with me His desires for my year ahead! I'm also thinking my little justification of "being tired" is not going to cut it in the morning! :) So, although it is afternoon, I am going to try to "begin again" and see if I can salvage what is left of this day that the Lord has made for me!

A Child's Words

2011-11-19T09:51:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was 1 week out from my latest reconstructive procedure related to my double mastectomy. What was supposed to be a simple procedure without being put to sleep (only because insurance does not want to pay for it I'm sure), turned into 5 hours at the hospital and a very traumatic experience for me. I won't go into all the details, but to make a long story short, I should have been asleep, or at least given some valium or something to help me get through. I held it together while in the operating room, but when I got out to the car after it was over, the tears came. So, it has been another week of healing, dressing wounds, sleeping on my back, and watching the bruises turn purple and then green. I am so grateful that this is my favorite time of year and that the holidays are right around the corner. This is helping to keep my spirits lifted!

This morning, I removed the bandages on my side, and showed my boys (ages 3 and 7) where the doctors had stitched me back together. I let them touch the little loop of fishing line that is still sticking out of my body. Of course they thought that was really cool, while being a little freaked out at the thought of someone sewing on Mommy! My 3 year old came back to me a few moments later and this was our short conversation:

Micah: "Mommy, did you cry?"

Me: "Yes, Mommy did."

Micah: "Did someone hold your hand?"

Me: "No, baby, no one did."

Micah: "Was the doctor there?"

Me: "Yes, he was there."

Micah: "I wish I was there to hold your hand."

Me: "Me too. I would have loved that!"

This little conversation with my 3 year old little boy, was a hug from God this morning. It brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. I wonder, (but I think I know the answer) if our words of praise and love, as simple as they may be, to our Heavenly Father, bring Him as much Joy and pleasure! We are His children and "He inhabits the praise of His people!" Today I am reminded that I need to be intentional and remind my Father of all the ways that I love Him!

Mission

2011-11-10T11:49:00.003-05:00

Over the last few years, my traditional view of "missions" has slowly been changing. I sense the Lord doing a work in my heart and my mind, and I want to be faithful in sharing this with my children. There are a couple of ways I am trying to build a passion for God's "mission" in their hearts.

First, all parents know that there is a tremendous amount of reading required when your kids are in school. My two oldest are supposed to be reading from 20-30 minutes a day. I am very fortunate that mine love to read, so often times I have to tell them, "Put your books down, you have read enough for today!" :) However, we have been able to capitalize on this time of required reading and put it to use for Kingdom purposes! My rule is that they can pick a book, and then I pick the next one. This is something we have done for a year and a half and it has been wonderful. So far my eldest has been able to read several books from the Chronicles of Narnia, parts of Pilgrims Progress, and is currently reading biographies of Christian missionaries! We have found an author that the girls really like, Janet and Geoff Benge, and they have written about 30 Christian biographies for kids 4th - 8th grade, in a series called "Christian Heroes: Then and Now." Currently my girls have read about Amy Carmichael, Harriet Tubman, Corrie ten Boom, Lillian Trasher, Lottie Moon, and Gladys Aylward! I am especially excited for them to read about these women (and men) who spent their lives in service to God and others. Many of them even started and ran orphanages, a passion close to my heart!

Our second decision to help grow this passion in our children's hearts was that as their 13th birthday gift, we would take them on a mission trip to another country. I wish every teenager could at least once see how the other 3/4th of the world lives. I think it would change their lives. I know it has changed mine. So, this coming summer, Hallie and I are planning to spend a week in Guatemala. We will be working at several Compassion Child Care Centers. This will allow me to see Compassion's work first hand, and allow Hallie to hopefully increase her love for Spanish, for teaching children, and keep her heart soft for those children living in poverty. Our fundraising efforts will kick off in January, so if any of my readers feel compelled to give toward our trip, we won't say, "no!" :)

God is always at work building His Kingdom and His Church! I am grateful that He desires for us to live on "mission" while we are here and to share a small part in His great story!

Komen 5K Walk/Run

2011-09-28T19:52:00.003-04:00

It's not the best picture, but it's proof we did it! This year was our 2nd year to participate in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure! Last year I missed the survivor photo by 5 minutes...this year I made it on time! Last year the girls and I half ran, half walked the 5K...this year because of my recent surgeries, we walked the whole 3.2 miles. Next year, I plan to run! I have a year to work up to it! David ran both years and even got a better time this year than last. It was a muggy day, but worth it! We had lots of fun with some of our family and friends who walked with us this year!

It's hard to explain the atmosphere...nearly 10,000 people supporting loved ones who have survived breast cancer, are currently fighting, or who lost the battle. The race is definitely something I hope my family gets to be a part of for many years to come!

The day after the walk, I ran into a lady that I just met in August of this year. She said, "I didn't know that you were a breast cancer survivor." I said, "Yes, how did you just find out?" She went on to tell me how she had been walking in the Komen race as well. Ahead of her, she saw a women with a sign on her back that said, "Celebrating...and my name!" She asked the lady about it and the lady said that she did not know me personally, but a friend of hers had mentioned my name as a fairly new survivor, so she was walking in my honor! I got chills. To think that some woman I don't know was walking in the same race that day with my name on her back, celebrating me as a breast cancer survivor! Such a cool, cool thing!

The race is a great reminder that I am almost done with this part of my journey. One more outpatient procedure coming up in October, and then the last part of the reconstruction in January as I celebrate my "2 years cancer free!" Not a bad way to start a new year!

Changing Seasons

2011-09-17T19:15:00.003-04:00

Autumn, jeans and sweatshirts, soccer, chili and fritos, white chocolate mochas...it's my favorite time of year! I love the cooler weather, the changing leaves, and the holiday spirit that you begin to feel as the end of the year draws closer and closer. This time of year, it is easy for me to find so many things to be thankful for.

I can't help but think, however, that as the holiday season approaches, some people will be and are facing very difficult circumstances. Seasons change, and the leaves with their brilliant, fiery colors of red and gold that I love so much, will dry up and blow away into the cold white of winter. So our lives experience seasons of vibrant joy and blessing, and times of difficulty and sorrow.

I have begun reading Ann Voskamp's book "One Thousand Gifts." She has a beautiful paragraph that describes a way of looking at our world where we can still find ways to "come before God's presence with thanksgiving," even in a winter season of our lives.

"I wonder too...if the rent in the canvas of our life backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see.

To see through to God.

That that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave."

As I head into Fall, looking forward to Thanksgiving, the end of my surgeries and procedures, time with family, cooler weather, new year's resolutions and changing priorities, I am also praying that from this moment on, I will live always with a thankful spirit in every season!

Back in the Saddle!

2011-08-21T21:33:00.002-04:00

I guess you could say that I am "back in the saddle" again! This morning was my first morning back to church since my surgery 5 weeks ago. It was good to see friends again that I have not seen in a while and get some good hugs! :)

This evening I got to work my first ever Compassion booth at an event. That the event happened to be a concert of one of my favorite contemporary Christian groups was icing on the cake! I enjoyed myself very much and I am excited to report that at least 19 new children got sponsored tonight! Needless to say, "I'm hooked!"

All in all, a wonderful day getting back into the swing of things. I guess only tomorrow will tell if I pushed myself too hard today, but if so, it was so worth it! A great way to kick off a new week!

Week 4...No More!

2011-08-15T20:55:00.002-04:00

Today I am 4 weeks out from my last surgery! There are a few things that I am celebrating...

No more stinky antibiotic!
No more drains!
No more giving myself shots in my legs!
No more ripping tape off my incisions!
No more surgeries!

I can drive again! I can get out of bed without help! I can sleep on my side! It's the small things that make me happy! :) So what happens now? Basically, I'm done! I have a couple of small cosmetic procedures that will be done over the next couple of months to finish out the reconstructive surgery part of my treatment. Hopefully these will be completed by Christmas. I will continue doing check-ups with my breast surgeon, my oncologist, and my plastic surgeon. I think this will probably go on for a couple of years...maybe till I reach 5 years cancer free!

It has been a long year and a half! We have put so much in our life on hold during this time. This sudden change of focus in your life is not something you can ever prepare for. But, we are grateful for so much and I believe we will come out on the other side stronger than before and with our priorities more in line with where they should be. And, as far as my cancer journey, that leaves me counting down the months till my "2 years cancer free," mark in January!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2011-07-23T12:44:00.002-04:00

Ok. Everything boils down to...the surgery went good, I feel bad, and it looks ugly! :) Maybe that is not using correct grammar, but that is my situation in a nutshell. I am elated to have my surgeries behind me, and grateful that all went well. Depending on the day and the hour, I am tired, sore, sick at my stomach, uncomfortable...you get the picture. My body is cut, bruised, and covered in bandage tape that has to be replaced every two days. I have drainage tubes coming out of my body that have to be drained twice a day. I have to wear a restrictive bandage around my chest and abdomen that is not the most comfortable thing to wear. The pain meds make me sick, I am on antibiotics, and I have to give myself a shot of blood thinner in my leg every day for 10 days. I going on day 5 and still have the bruises from the first 4! Like I said...it's not pretty!

My husband and kids have been such great troopers, trying to take on everything while I am laid up. Not sure exactly how long the recovery process takes, but I have been told a couple of weeks. Just in time for school to start back. I really can't wait to feel "good" again! My sisters went in together and bought me some beautiful flowers, a Starbuck's gift card, and a huge piece of chocolate-covered cheesecake with snicker sprinkles on top! It is so great to feel so loved by people who know you so well!!

And so I rest, because I must, willing my body to heal quickly. Thank you for all the prayers and the small acts of kindness you have shown to me and my family during this very long year and 1/2 journey through breast cancer.

Struggling

2011-06-24T12:05:00.003-04:00

I realize that I have not written in a while. To be honest, this so-called "respite" that I have been in since my last post, has been a bit of a struggle. One of my favorite pieces of literature is "Pilgrim's Progress," by John Bunyan. I love the descriptive way that Pilgrim walks through life like on a journey across the world. Right now, I feel like I am climbing a mountain to get out of the valley where we have been. I have almost reached the summit, but this last mile has been exhausting both physically and emotionally. I find myself wanting to climb under a rock and sit out for a spell, feeling like I don't have the strength to go on. It reminds me of a song I heard recently at a concert. Twila Paris sang her song, "The Warrior is a Child," and it resonated with me in a way that it had not done when I listened to the song as a teenager.

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down.

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.

I drop my sword and cry for just a while,

Cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.

After my last expansion, I was in incredible pain for 3 weeks and unable to do much of anything with my right side. It even hurt to breathe. I ended up having x-rays done to see if the cancer had come back or if I had developed walking pneumonia somehow. The x-rays were clear and there was no infection or fluid build-up, so it was assumed that it must be inflammation from all the trauma on that side. I have been taking some anti-inflammatory meds and I am feeling MUCH better. I have even left the recliner finally and have been able to sleep in my own bed this week for the first time since March.

Now, I am dreading my next surgery, but trying to not dwell on the possibilities of things that could happen. I think it is always scary being "put under," so that someone can work on your body. We have elected to have my abdominal surgery (long story) at the same time since my plastic surgeon is already there and I am already under, so this recovery time is going to be longer and a little more painful than my first surgery I am told. There is also the danger of blood clots, so I will have to be getting shots to help prevent that. It's strange wanting something to get here quickly so that you can get it over with, yet dreading it's arrival at the same time. Three weeks to go!

So, I know what I have to do. With God's help, I will stand back up, take a deep breath, grab my hiking stick, and head for the summit! I would love it if you would uphold my journey in your prayers as God brings me to your mind!

A Brief Respite

2011-05-18T19:56:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I was reminded again of God's graciousness in our lives over the last year and a half. As I sat in my oncologist's office for my check-up, a resident doctor came in to observe and review my file. While we waited on the oncologist to come in, the resident asked me about my cancer story and he perused my file. After a minute, he seemed startled and asked, "You mean your cancer was hormone negative and HER2 positive and it was just a stage 1?" Yes. I don't think I have ever been in denial, but I choose to not dwell on "what could be or might be," but to take each day as it comes, trusting the Lord for enough strength for the day. (Matthew 6:34) It had been a while since I had been reminded just how serious my cancer diagnosis was and could have been.

Only about 25% of women get the kind of cancer I got.
It is a highly aggressive cancer and could have only been in my body for a couple of months at most to still be a stage 1.
It was a miracle that I realized something had changed and I needed to talk with my doctor.
It was another miracle that my doctor agreed to send me to a specialist after a radiologist, 2 mammograms and 3 ultrasounds said that there was nothing there.

Whatever the reasons, I may never know, but I got to share again how God had taken care of us and how He had used the delay in my diagnosis, and held the growth at bay, so that we could adopt our youngest son!

So where am I now and what do I have planned for the future? :)

I just finished my last visit with my plastic surgeon yesterday! I get a brief respite. The expanding process with the skin is done and so we have scheduled surgery for July to remove the expanders and replace them with the implants. The whole process from surgery, healing, reconstructing and tatooing will take about 6 months.
My 7th echocardiogram came back showing that my heart is on the mend. Still not all the way there, but heading in the right direction! My heart muscle had been damaged by the year-long treatments.
I am still sleeping in the recliner...since March 16th! Although I love my recliner, I am longing for my bed. The problem is just that the expanders are too uncomfortable to lay on either side and too heavy for me to lay on my back...I can't breath. :(
We have planned my surgery for July instead of June so that I can take a trip to Colorado to see my family and attend my grandparent's 70th wedding anniversary! YES, 70th!!!
As of now, I am considered "cancer free!" With my type of cancer, the highest rate of return is within the first 2 years. I will be holding my breath till January, my 2 year mark. :) The rate is slightly less for it to return within 5 years. After that, there is a 92% success rate! So, for now it is just up to me to know my body and be on the lookout for any strange aches or pains that don't go away. No pressure there. ;)

So, I am grateful for God's blessings and His grace! I am so thankful for this Mother's Day that just passed, and I am looking forward to school getting out and spending a fun summer with my family!

Surrounded by India!

2011-05-02T20:58:00.002-04:00

It seems like everywhere I turn lately, India is popping up. I'm not sure why. A friend of mine who is adopting from Ethiopia says that everywhere she turns she is hearing and seeing stuff about Ethiopia. Maybe it's been there all along, but I am just more aware now of things involving India since my youngest son was born there; now that I hold a piece of India in my heart. Here are a few of my run-ins with India lately...

In the April 18th issue of Time Magazine there is a small article about India winning the Cricket World Cup! They had not won the title since 1983. I was instantly reminded of our trip to India 2 years ago and remembered seeing little boys playing the game on little patches of dirt by the sides of the road.
Slumdog Millionaire was on t.v. a couple of weeks ago. The same day my daughter brought home a new book from her classroom to read for her daily reading. It was a small non-fiction book about the little girl who got chosen to have a leading role in that movie.
A friend of mine just got back from India a couple of weeks ago after traveling to pick up their 5th child (their 3rd adopted from India)! While there, they volunteered for a week at a foster-type home for special-needs orphans. She may not know it, but this friend is such an inspiration to me!
Ganthimathy, the little girl we sponsor in India, has a birthday coming up soon. I have been working on getting a birthday packet put together to put in the mail for her.
Right now I am reading the book "One Million Arrows" by Julie Ferwerda. In it she shares the story of M.A. Thomas or "Papa" as the orphans called him. He was Indian and started a ministry in India caring for the leper's children and orphans in a very desperate area in northern India. Since the 1970's he has cared for thousands of orphans, started "Hope Homes" all over the country of India, set up schools and Bible Schools and graduated hundreds of orphans who have chosen to be nurses, doctors, teachers, pastors, etc., all in their own country so that they could serve "the least of these" and spread the Gospel of Jesus! So Incredible! Papa just passed away in December and his ministry "HopeGivers International" is still going strong. I highly recommend that you check out his web site and also read the book!
Yesterday, as I was reading a blog I follow, I came across an add for a free book. Not one to turn down a free book, I clicked on the link. It is called "Revolution in World Missions" by K.P. Yohannan. It is a book by Gospel for Asia and the author is from India! I cannot wait to read it. The reviews are great and say the book is "life-changing!"

Although I am not sure why "India" keeps popping up in my life right now, I am pretty certain that God is slowing growing a love for India in my heart that He began the day we said, "Yes," to a little boy from Kolkata!

Compassion International Advocate

2011-04-08T12:24:00.002-04:00

Well, it's official! I have been a huge fan of Compassion International for many years, but I have only just recently taken the next step to become an official advocate for their ministry.

Over the last couple of years, God has been speaking to me about my selfishness and apathy. I am very content where I find myself in my little church, my little community, my little circle of family and friends. I am just beginning to realize that "doing nothing" is a sin. If we are content, we are still. God did not save us to sit, but to actively seek to spread His glory to His children around the world. In the last couple of months, I have fallen in love with the verse in Micah 6:8 and I would say that it has become my life's verse. "What is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" God does not make mistakes. I find it amazing that my life's verse is found in the book of Micah, the name of our son that we adopted 2 years ago trying to live the commands of this passage!

As I have become more passionate about adoption, my concern has also grown to include many other issues that affect children around the world...poverty, HIV/AIDS, clean water needs, lack of education, child sex-trafficking, etc. Many organizations that I love, help with these issues, but Compassion was a ministry that was already in place, and actively making a difference and changing lives in most of these areas. So, I felt led that this would be a GREAT place to start getting my feet wetter!

If you would like to know more about the ministry of Compassion or would like to consider sponsoring a child for just $38 a month, please click on the link above and check out the awesome children who need a sponsor! You will be taking the first step in changing their lives and yours!

Post-Surgery Update

2011-03-30T14:35:00.002-04:00

Wow. I am amazed to think that anyone would choose to do plastic surgery voluntarily. While I know I will be so grateful for the results, the process is quickly wearing me down and it's only been 2 weeks since my surgery.

After surgery, I spent 1 night in the hospital and then they sent me home...even with a fever. Go figure. I came home with 3 drain tubes and a numbing pump hanging out of my sides. I am covered in bruises where they tried to stick i.v's that did not want to go. The pressure in my chest and the swelling under my arms makes it difficult to do much of anything. I can't drive, I have to sleep in the recliner, I'm not supposed to do any lifting, and the natural tendency to hold my arms stiffly at my side has caused a lot of pain in my neck and shoulders. Fun times! To top off the last 2 weeks, my mother has pulled her back out trying to help me with the kids and the housework, the 2 girls have colds, and the 2 boys have tested positive for the flu!

So, what comes next? I will be seeing the doctor each week for the next couple of months for injections of fluid to fill my expanders. At my next visit, I hope to get the remaining two drains out which will make a huge difference I think. My second surgery should take place around the end of May or the beginning of June. In May, I have my 6th echocardiogram to see if my heart is returning back to it's normal function rate after being weakened by the Hercepton. Despite all this, there is an end in site and I am grateful for several things...

The test results on the tissue from my second mastectomy were normal!
My husband's boss has been incredible, letting him take off whenever he needed to help me!
I have gotten to spend a couple of weeks with my mother!
I should be done with everything by the end of June and get to enjoy part of the summer with my kiddos!
I have some wonderful friends and family who are looking after me!

I am truly blessed!

Thankful "L"

2011-03-19T11:40:00.003-04:00

LAUGHTER - One of my very favorite things in the whole world is hearing my children laugh! When they get tickled by something or someone and let out that uncontrollable belly laugh, I cannot help but smile! It is the greatest sound ever!

I LOVE LUCY - My mom brought me the very first season of "I Love Lucy" on DVD to watch while I am laid up for a while. They say that laughter is the best medicine, and we have had so much fun sitting in the living room watching Lucy and laughing hysterically every night before hitting the hay!

LIME-ADES - There is nothing quite like a Lime-ade Chiller from Sonic! I love cherry lime-ades, but when summer comes around and I am irresistibly drawn in for the cranberry or lime lime-ade chillers! I cannot describe the tangy sweetness to you, but I highly recommend you try one. You will never go back to just a plain milkshake again!

It's Time...

2011-03-16T07:22:00.002-04:00

Well, it's time. Today is the day of my reconstructive surgery. There are going to be 3 surgeons in the room following each other and 3 different procedures. I am all about having to be put to sleep as few times as possible! They are estimating that the surgery is going to take about 4 hours. First, my breast surgeon will remove my port and do a mastectomy on my left side. Second, my plastic surgeon will insert the expanders in both sides to begin stretching the skin. This process can be painful and will take about 2-3 months to complete. Third, my general surgeon will then go into my belly button and fix my umbilical hernia that has developed complications from when I was pregnant with my son. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to how I am going to feel tomorrow! :) I found out last week that my heart is not functioning at full capacity, thanks to my cancer treatment. The doctors think it is still ok to proceed with surgery, so here we go.

I am told that it is going to be a long 3 months of emptying drains, weekly visits to the doctor, sleeping in the recliner, etc. And then...surgery number 2. Since I have no control of any of the above, I am going to say a quick prayer of thanks...

"Heavenly Father, I thank you that I am cancer free! I thank you for allowing my parents to be able to come and stay with my kids during my surgery. I thank you for finding me the best doctors in town. I thank you for my family and friends who are praying for me today and have shown me so much love! You are incredibly gracious to me! With all my heart! Candice"

"I Refuse"

2011-03-12T19:07:00.002-05:00

This week I heard a new song, sung by the artist who wrote it. It was very powerful and spoke to my heart in a place where God has speaking for a while now. God's message has been about leaving my comfort zone to step out and actively pursue helping those who are less fortunate around the world. We have taken steps as a family over the last couple of years to follow God's command in this area, but I know there is more we can do.

I got to hear Josh Wilson sing the song "I Refuse" off his album "See You," and it was great! It has the same message as some of the books I have read lately, like "Radical," by David Platt, "Global Soccer Mom," by Shayne Moore, and "The Hole in Our Gospel," by Richard Stearns. The lyrics are:

Sometimes I,

I just want to close my eyes

And act like everyone's alright

When I know they're not.

This world needs God

But it's easier to stand and watch.

I could pray a prayer and just move on

Like nothing's wrong.

But I refuse.

'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care.

I don't want to say another empty prayer.

Oh, I refuse to

Sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself.

Oh, I could choose

Not to move but I refuse.

I can hear the least of these

Crying out so desperately,

And I know we are the hands and feet

Of You, oh God.

So, if you say move,

Then it's time for me to follow through,

And do what I was made to do.

Show them who you are.

I pray that I will always be ready to spread God's love to others around me and across the world!

Treatment Complete!

2011-02-17T21:59:00.002-05:00

Wow! I can't believe I can finally say that my treatments are done! One year and 52 treatments later, I am finished! My last one today was bittersweet. I was elated of course to be finishing, but also sad that my Thursday outings were coming to an end. Not that I will miss the treatments themselves. I am very looking forward to seeing if the tiredness and achy joints will go away now that I have finished. I am, however, going to miss that I have a set Thursday appointment every week to eat lunch by myself, whatever I want, and then have an hour to do nothing but sit, read, watch t.v., listen to my i-pod, or sleep...whatever I prefer! I am seriously tempted to make up an appointment so that I can keep my weekly quiet time. :)

Today when I left my appointment, I called my husband and then got all choked up. I am really going to miss Lori, my nurse. She has made all the difference in the world for me. I have spent an hour, and sometimes more, with her 1 day a week for a year. I started off going every Tuesday, but that got crazy. Sometimes there would be 15 people hooked up to machines getting treatments and twice I could not even find a seat. So, one day I asked if I could switch to Thursdays. I am so glad that I did. The rest of the year, there has never been more than 2 other people getting treatment while I was there and sometimes I was the only one. This has allowed Lori and I to sit and chat, look up stuff on our phones and the internet, and we even ate lunch together today while I got treatment. I can truly say that she is no longer just my nurse, but she has become my friend! A special gift that God has given me as I navigated this difficult journey.

So, now the countdown begins as I head into the downhill stretch. Next week I get a week off and then I hit the ground running. The following week I will have my last echocardiogram, then the next week I will meet one more time before surgery with my plastic surgeon and oncologist, and the following week will be my reconstructive surgery. I am tired and nervous, but ready to finish what was started just over 1 year ago.

Broken

2011-02-11T08:17:00.003-05:00

There have been periods of time in my life when I am stumped. I cannot figure out why God has allowed me to have my heart and body broken. "Why do I still have Alopecia? What purpose can that serve?" "Why did I have a miscarriage?" "Why have I faced certain difficulties in my marriage?" "Why was I allowed to get breast cancer?" Then, when I look around and see the hurt of others, it frustrates me so much that I cannot understand the "why."

On the other hand, I am glad that my God is so infinite and that "His ways are higher than my ways." That gives me someone I can confidently worship and trust! Of course, offering my life to Him completely for His use is sometimes easier said than done.

Last night I was reading from the book "Things as They Are: Mission Work in South India" by Amy Carmichael. She is a beautiful writer and she gave an illustration that blew my mind. It seemed such a beautiful picture of how to look at my life and the places in my life where at one time or the other, my life has seemed broken.

"I went down to the potter's house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels." The vessel the potters are making here is worth about a halfpenny, but it is perfect of its kind. The moulder never lifts his hand from it from the moment he puts a lump of shapeless clay on the wheel till the moment he takes it off finished, so far as the wheel can finish it. If it is "marred," it is "marred in the hand of the potter," and instantly he makes it again another vessel as it seems good to him. He never wastes the clay.

This reminds me of 2 things:

1. God is the potter and I am the clay. He is daily molding me into a treasure, and only He knows what He wants the final outcome to be. Isaiah 64:8 "But now, O Lord, Thou art our Father, we are the clay, and Thou our potter; And all of us are the work of Thy hand."

2. The broken places in my life will not be left unredeemed! I love the song by Selah with that title, Unredeemed! The lyrics in the chorus are:

Life breaks and falls apart

But we know these are

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing.

It may be unfulfilled

It may be unrestored

But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord

Just watch and see

It will not be unredeemed!

Nothing can touch me that does not pass through the Lord's hands first, and if I am broken, He will not let it be in vain, He will use it for His glory. How amazing!

Thankful "K"

2011-02-01T09:58:00.002-05:00

K is the first letter of a lot of my fun favorites. Here are just a few!

KISSES - There is nothing I love better than kisses from my kids!!!

KINDLE - I got a Kindle for my birthday present and I am loving it! I carry it everywhere I go and it is getting lots of use! I look forward to filling it up with books in the years to come!

KEURIG - My Christmas gift! My instant coffee/tea/hot cocoa maker is getting used every day! The entire family can use it (except Micah, I won't let him touch it) and we love it! Thank you to my sister for my gift card and for coupons in the mail that made this purchase possible!

KARO - There is nothing better to snack on than a little crunchy Peter Pan peanut butter with a little cold white Karo syrup mixed in! Yummy! It's my dad's fault that I have been enjoying this concoction since I was a little girl. :) White Karo is also super yummy on French Toast!

Thankful "J"

2011-01-27T15:36:00.002-05:00

JAVA CHIP FRAPPUCCINO - Need I say more? :) This Starbucks drink has been my reward every Thursday for the last couple of months. Friends and family have given me gift cards and I have enjoyed them fully! After every treatment, I have stopped by and picked up my drink and thoroughly enjoyed it on my way home! Out of fear, I have neglected checking the calorie count on this favorite drink of mine. :) However, now that I am going to try to lose some weight before my surgery in March, I have decided to give up my Java Chip until then. Don't worry though...the day after my surgery, I plan to send my husband to the nearest Starbucks and have him pick one up for me to celebrate!

Holding the Balloon!

2011-01-24T18:04:00.003-05:00

Those who know me, know that I am a melancholy person. Those who know my husband, know that he is very Sanguine. He dances on stage, I dance in my living room. He is an incredibly gifted teacher, I am a storyteller. He speaks, I write. People say we balance each other because we are opposites in almost every way. :) One of my best friends is a Sanguine too, and I think I have always felt a bit intimidated by and envious of their energy, spirit, and personalities.

This week I stopped by my husband's classroom for a moment before I went to my weekly treatment. Being January, he had a classroom full of new students I have not met yet. I spoke to my husband for a few minutes and then left. After I left, my husband said that one of his students interrupted him with the following observation...

"Mr. S. can I tell you how I see you and your wife?" Curious, my husband nodded, "yes," and the boy continued. "Mr. S., you are a helium balloon. You are full of energy and life, blowing all over the place. Your wife is the one holding the balloon. She is calm and grounded and without her, you would just pop or go crazy and blow away."

My husband was very taken aback. He laughed because he had never quite heard it put that way and he was surprised that the boy had described us in such a way, and with a picture that seems like a pretty accurate description! I was just glad that the student did not say I was a "lead balloon," which is where I first thought he was heading with the story. Leave it to me to lean to the negative. :)

All in all, I will say that I appreciate the description. It makes me smile! And, I don't mind so much being calm and grounded. My children tend to "fly" like their father and I LOVE being able to help guide them higher and higher! What could be better!

Can I do it?

2011-01-20T19:18:00.002-05:00

Today I met with my plastic surgeon. I feel very secure in my decision, but I am still anxious about the upcoming surgeries after finding out what all is involved and the pain potential involved with the reconstruction process. I am going to try to put it out of my mind and not dwell on it until the time for the first surgery arrives. My first surgery is scheduled for March and I hope to be done with everything by June.

With that in mind, I have just 7 weeks to lose 15 lbs. before my surgery. This is not a requirement, but is something I feel that I really need to do. I am not at all sure that it is even something that I can do, but I am making plans. :) Initially I am going to try adjusting my diet and adding exercise. If that does not work, I may have to seek professional help. :) We'll see how the first couple of weeks go!

Whatever happens, I am ready to finish my treatments, get the surgery over with and get on with my life...cancer free!

My One Year Mark!

2011-01-13T23:31:00.002-05:00

Tonight I am sitting by the computer with just 30 minutes left in the day that marks my "1 year cancer free!" It has been an emotional day and one that I am almost sad to see go. I'm sitting here in my cozy p.j.'s with my children and 2 of their cousins asleep on the living room floor. There is a beautiful white snow outside and it's all quiet inside....the house at least. I am very restless on the inside of me. People keep asking me how I am going to celebrate this milestone and I am just not sure yet. I have been invited by a friend to take a trip to India. I cannot tell you how badly I want to do this. What a way to celebrate!

I cannot adequately describe the gratefulness I feel to be able to even be celebrating this day. I know that each day is a gift and I want to live with purpose. I have been given more time and I don't want to waste it. I am not sure what that will look like in my life, but I know some changes need to be made. I know that change takes time, but I'm the type of person who sees a need and moves on it. I don't see the point in waiting. :) So, I am ready to start making some changes and I want to get started this year!

I am also a little nervous. This last month has been a difficult one. My body, which has been in menopause since March of last year, has decided to do a complete turn-around, and is now trying to head back the other way. My doctor is surprised and I have been an emotional and physical wreck. My poor husband and kids. :) I have also begun meeting with doctors and talking with other women about my reconstructive surgery. The recurring theme seems to be that I should prepare for a painful, drawn-out process. Great. Now I have begun to dread something I was actually looking forward to. Of course I will still keep moving forward, one step at a time and pray for grace for each new day and what it brings.

So, I will head to bed, just before midnight, praising God for this year and seeking His protection, strength and direction for the year to come!

Thankful "I"

2011-01-12T14:17:00.002-05:00

INDIA - I am thankful for India, my son's birth country. From childhood, I have been fascinated by the country and the people. I never thought that one day I would have a child from there. I hope to be able to travel there again someday, and I pray that my feelings for the country will grow from an infatuation to a love.

IMPOSSIBILITIES: II Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness. Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me." As I make my list of New Year's resolutions (or "revolutions" as my daughter E calls them) I am well aware of how impossible it seems that I will be able to accomplish them...at least not in my own power. They are worthy goals, but I will be the first to admit that my desire to do better in each area comes back to a lack of organization which results in poor stewardship. I truly desire to be a better steward of my time, money, friendships, talents, health, etc. and I want my life to reflect the glory of God, so... I am grateful for what seem like impossibilities, because, if I am able to follow through on my resolutions, it will mean that Christ has been working in my life and has give me the power to do so!

Thankful "H"

2011-01-10T17:12:00.004-05:00

HOME - Home has been a haven for me over the last year and 1/2. I admit that I already had the tendency to be a hermit, and the last year has given me permission to do that. My home has been a sanctuary for me of sorts. I have been able to rest, enjoy my kids, and just be at home. I am truly thankful that God has blessed me with not just a house, but a home.

HOPE - There is an old hymn that says, "I know whom I have believed and I am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against that day." As I am approaching my 1 year cancer free mark, I must have hope in my Creator and Father so that I can move ahead in the new year without fear. I do have hope and I am looking forward to what this new year will bring!

Thankful "G"

2010-12-15T22:27:00.003-05:00

GIRLS - I absolutely love raising little girls...at least so far. :) People say they can be extremely difficult when they become teenagers, but I hope my girls will stay their sweet, tenderhearted selves as they grow up. My two are both so talented and so different. One is gentle, easy to please, very creative and loves to read. One is spunky, very opinionated, a little storyteller, and loves sports. I cherish these two treasures that the Lord has given me for a season and I cannot wait to see the women they will become!

GIRLFRIENDS - I have always longed for a girlfriend. Growing up they were few and far between. This very long year of cancer treatment has given me the desire to be a better friend, and to love more the girlfriends that God has placed in my life. I am very much a homebody and content to be with my family, but I am so, so grateful for the unique friendships God has given me. I have my sisters, who are my closest girlfriends in the world. I have a couple of friends from high school and college that I keep in contact with. I have some women in my church who I love dearly and who are so good to me. I even have some Dillon adoptive moms (only 1 I've ever met) who may never know what an encouragement they have been to me this past 2 years. Some on the phone, some through e-mails, and some just through comments on this blog. God created us for relationship and I am so glad He has been so gracious to me!

Thankful "F"

2010-12-14T09:18:00.003-05:00

FLIP-FLOPS - These are my favorite shoes! I would love to have some in every color and I would gladly wear them year round! They are universal! You can wear them with jeans, a dress, shorts. If you buy them with sparkles, you can even wear them with a fancy dress! What is not to love about flip-flops?

FALL - Fall is my favorite time of year. I love when the weather starts to have that crisp, cool feeling and the leaves begin to turn shades of gold and red! Something about the clarity of the blue sky and all the vibrant color makes me feel closer to the Lord somehow. It is a reminder to me of the beauty of God's creation and His care for us. It is during this time that I sometimes wonder what Heaven will look like. If God created our world in just 7 days, I cannot even begin to imagine what He has created in about 7000 years!

FAMILY FUN FRIDAYS - This is what we call it at our house on Friday nights. We celebrate the fact that there is no school the next day and we party. We have supper, maybe play a game or put on a show, we make pallets on the floor and couches in the living room, and everyone falls asleep watching a movie! Of course, Mommy, stays awake to tuck everyone in and then I head to my bed to sleep. :) This has been our tradition for a couple of years now. Sometimes we have friends or cousins that join us and sometimes it's just us. Micah has always slept in his bed, but now feels that he is old enough to join everyone else on the floor, so we have let him. Of course he LOVES it! I look forward to many more years of Family Fun Fridays to come!

Thankful "E"

2010-12-08T23:11:00.004-05:00

EVENING - I am thankful for evenings. That is my favorite time of day. I love sitting out on our porch swing and watching the clouds roll by, the storms move in, or the sun setting behind the hills. It also means that it is almost time for bed, which I look forward to now more than I used to. :)

ECHOS - I guess it seems a little weird that I am thankful for Echocardiograms, but I am. Just a year ago, I did not know what they were or what they were for. Tomorrow I will go in for my 4th this year. It has been comforting to have the guess work taken away and know for sure that my heart is staying strong through this year of treatment.

ELVES - Yes, elves...or 1 in particular. Our elf's name is Pepper and he came to our house last year for the first time. He brought a lot of fun when he came and he is doing the same this year. Because of him, I know what our kids want for Christmas and I have enjoyed watching Micah wake up each morning and get excited when he realizes that Pepper has moved locations during the night. Hopefully Pepper will keep coming back for many Christmases to come!

Thankful "D"

2010-12-07T14:17:00.003-05:00

DAVID - I love my husband, David! We are total opposites, but somehow God brought us together. I am thankful for David's patience with me, I am proud of his talents and abilities, I love the father that he is to our children, and I am looking forward to what the Lord will do in our future together!

DADDY - I love my Daddy! I guess no matter how old I get (and today I am another year older) I will always feel like "Daddy's little girl" when he is around. My Daddy has always loved me, guided me, and taught me, and I feel loved, safe, and secure in his presence. I am grateful that God placed me in my family!

Thankful "C"

2010-12-05T20:52:00.004-05:00

CHRISTMAS - I love everything about Christmas! I love the food, the music, the lights, the message, the spirit! This year, for some reason, it has all had a particularly calming effect on me and I am grateful. I have even given in and done something that I said I would never do...I have put an inflatable snowman in my front yard! I guess having kids changes everything. :)

CHOCOLATE - Chocolate is my friend. Let me introduce you to Five Layer Chocolate Cake, Dark Chocolate York Patties, Breyer's Extra-Creamy Chocolate Ice-Cream, Chocolate No-Bake Cookies...you get the idea. I salute whoever figured out that you can grind up a cocoa bean and make something so delicious!

COMPASSION - I love the ministry of Compassion International! I am thankful for the work they do in countries where I will never be able to go. Someday I hope to be able to travel to Africa and back to India to visit the little girls that we sponsor. To see all that Compassion does, please check out their web site at Compassion.com. They also have an area for kids where they can play games and learn about how kids in other countries live. An awesome book that you can read about their president is called "Too Small to Ignore," by Wes Stafford. I hope you will check it out.

Thankful "B"

2010-12-04T09:18:00.004-05:00

BOYS - There is just something about Momma's little boys. :) It's so special to me when one of my boys comes over on his own and gives me a big hug and kiss and says, "I love you, Mommy!" I don't know how long it will last, but I am cherishing it now. Nathan is at the stage now, Kindergarten, where he is still very affectionate and doesn't think much about it. However, he has started not wanting to "give hugs" to others so much and for the first time last week when I leaned over to kiss his forehead, he said, "Mom, don't let Paige (his cousin who was over at our house) see you do that!" Oh well, I will do it for as long as I can! Micah (2 1/2) is at that fun stage where he is figuring out that there is a difference between the sexes. He will state, "You a gil and I a boy." I'm so thankful that I have gotten the chance to experience the joys of raising little boys!

BOOKS - Of course this was a no-brainer. :) I am thankful for the authors who share their stories! I have always been an avid reader, but as our family has grown and lives have gotten busy, my chances to read for pleasure have gotten fewer and far between. One thing this year of cancer treatment has given me, is the opportunity to pick my books back up...which I have done with a vengeance! I have been carrying books in the car, books in my bedroom, books in my bag. Now that I have a Kindle, which I am enjoying by the way, my bags are much less heavy! :) Besides just reading books, I feel strangely that God has placed the desire in my heart to write a book (or several) someday. It must be from God, because this is the same girl who failed Freshman English in college because I was so fearful of writing, I would not write the papers. I am waiting to see what God will do with this desire, and while I wait...I am reading a book!

BIRTHDAYS - On December 14 it will be 1 year from my cancer diagnosis. Next week is my birthday. What a year it has been. Needless to say, I am super thankful for this birthday! I have learned so much this year about myself, my Heavenly Father, my priorities, etc. I am grateful to be where I am at this moment and I am looking forward to what this next year will bring!

Thankful "A"

2010-12-02T08:51:00.002-05:00

ADOPTION - This is probably an obvious one. :) I cannot even begin to describe how adoption has changed our lives forever. It has changed us as individuals in the way we think about people. It has changed us forever as a family. It has changed our relationship with and our trust in our Heavenly Father. We will forever be grateful that we followed God's heart and took the step of faith to adopt!

ANGELS - I am grateful for Angels. In a world filled with craziness, it seems comforting somehow to know that there are Angels walking among us. I think it also reminds us to stop a moment in our busy lives and show a little kindness to strangers that we meet. "Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2

Loss for Words

2010-12-02T08:40:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that it has been over a month since I have written anything, but I have been at a loss for words. For me that is saying something. :) I'm not sure why, but my soul has been restless and my ability to put it into words just has not been there. My emotions have been on edge and I feel very unsettled. Maybe it's the medication...it seems like I am using that one a lot lately. Whatever the reason, I have wanted to write but have been unable to find the words. There are sudden random things that I've seen or heard that cause a sense of peace and gratefulness to wash over me...a rainbow, a Christmas song, a kiss from my little boy, etc. So, I decided I am going to just take time to voice my gratefulness for the small things that I am thankful for. I thought it would be fun to try something that another "Dillon Mom" did on her blog a year or two ago. She did a blog for each letter of the alphabet. So, for each day leading up to Christmas I am going to try it, starting with "A" for today!

Magical!

2010-10-29T07:03:00.003-04:00

I'll give you one guess as to where we went for Fall Break this year. You are right! Disney World! It was our first trip ever and it surpassed our expectations. David and I were afraid it would not live up to years of expectation, but we were not disappointed by anything. It truly was a "magical" time!

The theatre side of David wanted to explore the Classic Mickey side of Hollywood Studios a little more than we had time for. He also loved all the puppetry and shows at Animal Kingdom. Especially the "Nemo" show. I would love to go back to Epcot and spend a little more time there. I love all the different worlds and would like to try more food. The kids were not interested in sampling food from around the world. ;) The girls favorites were "Rockin Roller Coaster" at Hollywood Studios and "Soarin" at Epcot. Nathan liked "Soarin" also and "Toy Story" at Hollywood Studios. Of course the "Jungle Safari" at Animal Kingdom was a favorite for everyone.

Micah on the other hand...it's hard to know what he will remember from the trip. We know he enjoyed it. Especially the characters. He loved the princesses and even pushed Emma out of the way so that he could hold Cinderella's hand for the photo! He talks about different things he saw and experienced. He remember being spit on by the camel on the Alladin ride. He keeps asking to ride on the bus and swim at the hotel again. There were a few things, however, where he missed it by just a bit and cracked us up! He keeps saying he rode "Gumbo." We finally figured out that he was talking about the "Dumbo" ride. After watching the "Playhouse Disney Show" at Hollywood Studios (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Pooh, and Little Einstiens), David asked him what part he liked best. Micah says, "Scooby Doo!" On the "Jungle Safari," while we were admiring all the exotic animals, Micah asks, "You smell somping Mommy?" I asked, "Why? What do you smell, Micah?" To which he replies, "Smells like cow poop everywhere!" His great sense of smell was crowding out all of his other senses I guess. :)

Now, I don't find a spiritual allusion in everything, but I could not help but think about our view of Heaven. I tread here softly. I never thought twice about talking about Heaven before, but since being hit with the very real possibility that I could go before I anticipated, I am a little more hesitant now about just throwing things out there. I am also not comparing Heaven to Disney World, but these thoughts came to mind this morning. Yesterday I heard the verse in I Corinthians 2:9. "No eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him!" Just like Disney, we had heard stories about it and had pictures in our mind, but we could never have anticipated fully what we were about to see and experience. It is the same way with Heaven. We just have no idea and cannot even imagine. Just like Micah, our vision is clouded by our senses, our experiences, and our humanness here on earth. I'm sure some times we miss it all together. I wonder if Jesus just looks down and smiles and thinks, "Won't they be surprised?" All I can say is on our trip to Disney, we truly felt like we had been transported to a magical world. :) I can't even begin to imagine what Heaven is going to be like!

Aunt Julie

2010-10-17T08:44:00.002-04:00

Today as we begin our first ever family vacation into a new world...Disney World...I am also remembering my Aunt Julie who is beginning her first full day in a new world...in Heaven with Jesus! :) Yesterday as we were driving down, we received the news that she had passed away. She had been fighting with cancer for a while and it was just spreading faster than she could stop it. As we were shedding tears of sadness each time we heard news of the cancer spreading, we also shed tears of joy as we heard about her new-found joy in Christ. Julie accepted Christ as her Saviour this year and she was transformed! She was so full of joy and peace, even in the midst of her storm! She radiated her love for God and the promise of the new life He would give to her. She had such a sweet spirit and a heart for others.

Over the last couple of months, Julie and I had e-mailed each other on a more personal note. Since I had begun my journey through breast cancer this year, we were sharing in a fight against this awful disease. Julie was never afraid for herself. She was always encouraging and praying for me and my family. I wanted to let you see just a brief glance into her precious, transformed life. This was one of her last e-mails to me...

Dear Sweet Candice,

I have been thinking of you today too. I pray for you and family everyday.

Thank you so much for checking on me , I love you guys!

I rededicated my life to our Lord Jesus Christ Today and John & I joined the church!

I will be Baptized the following Sunday @ 6pm!

I am so happy and overfilled with joy, All to the Glory of God, He is wonderful!

I pray for the healing of your body, your emotional well being and for you and David to have more family time together also that you will be able to raise your children in the will of Lord Jesus Christ! And wow! When you believe in the All Powerful Heavenly Father, well you just claim it, because He is alive and He will take care of you!

I love you too,

Aunt Julie

I love you too, Aunt Julie and I will see you again in Heaven someday!

Blood:Water Mission

2010-10-13T10:36:00.005-04:00

Blood:Water Mission is an organization run by the contemporary christian music group "Jars of Clay." Their desire is to raise funds to help with the HIV/AIDS crisis in Africa by helping to provide clean drinking water for the people in Africa. So, what does that have to do with us? Sometimes it's hard to look beyond our little worlds that we have created for ourselves and see the World as God sees it. We are His children, created in His image, and He has called us to care for each other.

Well, some of my friends are doing just that. Ordinary (I think extraordinary) people just like you and me that made a committment at the beginning of the year that they were going to run a marathon (26.2 miles) in November. None of them were runners, but they started with running a mile together each Saturday morning and have worked up to running 20 miles this last Saturday! They just decided together to do something bigger than themselves for someone who could not help themself. My friends call themselves the H2o Runners and they are trying to raise $7000 ($1000 for each man and woman running) for Blood:Water Mission. To date they have raised $1700. If you click on the link, it will take you to their blog site. There you can meet the runners, read about their vision, follow along on their Saturday runs, and donate to the cause. You can mail in a check or donate securely online. It does not take much...

$1 gives clean drinking water to someone in Africa for a year.
$25 gives clean drinking water to someone in Africa for life.
$85 provides a family with a biosand filter to clean their water .
$4000 builds the community a well and provides clean water for hundreds!

I am so proud of my friends and if you can join the fight, please consider a donation in their honor!

Book Club

2010-10-05T09:15:00.002-04:00

I don't know if you can tell, but I LOVE to read! I don't get a lot of chances to just sit and read with 4 kids, but I carry a book with me everywhere...in my purse, in my car (for reading in carline), by my bed, etc. I have almost decided for sure to get myself a Kindle for my birthday. As much as I love reading the written page, it would be nice to just slide that little screen into a bag and have as many books as I want at my fingertips without having to lug the actual copies everywhere. :)

This week I have decided to try 2 new things.

First, on the first Friday of each month, I think I will post a book review of a book I have read this year. This will be just for fun for me and maybe it will encourage someone else to pick up one of the books for reading. Then it's like I have passed my book along to someone else without having to give up my copy! :)
Second, I have joined an online Christian book club! The "Bring the Rain" blog (I have a link posted at the side) does a Bloom Book Club and this month, I will be reading my first book with them. It is called "Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in Our Busy Lives," by Wayne Muller. How did they know I needed this book right now? :)

So, I have my books and I, strangely enough, look forward to carline, soccer practice, choir practice, my weekly treatments at the doctor's office, and anywhere else I might have a few minutes to read a chapter uninterrupted!

A Mom's Prayer

2010-09-29T19:25:00.002-04:00

I am very proud of my kids. I feel so grateful to get to be their mom. As rewarding as it is, it is equally daunting. I want to fulfill the role God has allowed me to play in their lives and raise them up to bring Him glory. It's a little overwhelming to think of all the mistakes I make each day. I am so thankful that the Lord has His hand on them and is not completely dependent on me. :)

As they are growing up (too quickly I might add), we are beginning to have some interesting conversations about their futures. As much as I can, I keep telling them..."Be still and listen to what God is saying to your heart. Look for what you enjoy and the gifts God has given you. Think of how you can use these things to serve God and others." That is this mom's prayer for her children.

HALLIE asked me this week about where we wanted her to go to college. She is just in middle school! Hallie has a sweet spirit and wants to please. I am excited to see where God leads her. This week she made her middle school soccer team and played her trumpet in her first pep rally! She already says that she wants to spend a year in China or Japan teaching English and then come home to teach ESL in a middle school or high school. We'll see...
EMMA is such a little mix of everything. She loves to play dress-up and is the one concerned about her clothes. However, she is my little athlete. She is running cross-country and is excited to try out for her school basketball team. Right now she is playing rec soccer and taking piano lessons. Emma is very tender right now and hears God speak to her heart...and she obeys. I pray this is always the case.
NATHAN asked me this afternoon how he would choose who to marry. He has so many options right now. :) Deep thoughts for a little boy in Kindergarten. He also asked me if he could have 2 jobs when he turns 16. I said, "Of course." "Good," he said, "I want to work at Taco Bell and be a spy." Wow! I love this little boy. He has struggled with illness all of his life, but does not let it stop him. He loves popcorn, Scooby-Doo movies and his mommy! He is a very loving little boy and I pray He will be a strong, loving man of God.
MICAH is our precious gift from India. Brought across the ocean to be a part of our family. He is so strong and smart and polite. Yes, I said polite. :) I know it sounds wierd, but he is the politest 2 year old I have every met. We have been changed so much since his arrival and I know God has a special plan for his life. I can't wait to see how God uses his little life.

So, I pray and plug away. Doing laundry, making lunches, driving carpool, going to games...doing the things a mother does...and praying that each day I have them with me, they will fulfill God's purpose for their lives!

5K Walk/Run

2010-09-26T19:26:00.003-04:00

Breast cancer is not something I would have ever chosen to go through. It is an elite club of courageous women (and sometimes men) and not a club I ever aspired to join. I always had sympathy from afar, but it was never personal. Now it's different.

Today I participated in my first ever Susan G Komen Race for the Cure with my husband and my 2 daughters! We met up with my husband's brother and wife and their little girl so we could share this opportunity with them. While my husband and his brother ran the 5K, the girls and I walked the first mile and 1/2 and then jogged a mile and 1/2. It was so fun to be able to do this with my girls. My goal is to be able to run the 5K next year.

It was such a fun afternoon. Just being in that atmosphere with 10,000 other participants all supporting the same cause. As survivors, we wore the pink t-shirts and baseball caps. They put a ribbon on your cap for each year that you come back to the race. They also give you hot pink Mardi gras beads for each year that you are a survivor. I got "1!" It was cool passing other women in pink with tons of beads hanging around their necks!

The only sad part for me was seeing the teams who were walking in memory of loved ones. There was one team there walking for a friend of a friend who died last year. She was my age and had small children. Although it was sad, it was also such an awesome way to honor her memory and to see how much she was loved!

So, I have completed my first breast cancer walk and survived! I may not be able to walk tomorrow, but it was worth it! :) I can't wait for next year!

Doctor Update

2010-09-22T15:05:00.002-04:00

Today was my 8 week visit with my doctor. I used to go every 3 weeks while on chemo, but after that was finished, I just go every now and then for a check-up. I continue to take my Herceptin every week with echocardiograms every 3 months. This will last until February. So far, all is going well. Aside from the aches and pains which can be handled somewhat with Aleve, and besides the numbness in my toes and stiffness in my fingers, I am good. :)

Today as the doctor listened to my heart, he asked if I worked out. Not sure why he was asking, I asked, "Why?" He said that my heart rate was good, but in the range that they usually saw in athletes or people who work out a lot. I had to laugh. Unless you count chasing around 4 kids, I have not exercised in over 10 years! :) The nurse just laughed and then the doctor left the room to go check my most recent echocardiogram. When he returned, he said all was well and it had even gone up a couple of points. I had to ask what that meant, and he just said that it meant my heart had improved from 3 months ago. Could it have been from my new found determination to use the treadmill? I did jog a mile every morning for 2 weeks straight and then caught a really bad cold and had to stop for the last 2 weeks since I could hardly breathe. I just started back up on Monday. My only explanation for the improved results was that my heart must have been in shock from the sudden exercise after all these years! :)

Needless to say, I am grateful for the good news and all the continued prayers. We will keep plugging away each week with my treatments until February, and then we will tackle the reconstructive surgery and all that goes along with that. Hopefully, I will be done with everything by next summer. It's something to look forward to.

Book Signing

2010-09-18T16:27:00.002-04:00

This morning I went to my first ever book signing. Who do you think could make me get up early on a Saturday morning and miss my daughter's soccer game? Francine Rivers! I LOVE to read and she is one of my most favorite fiction writers.

The only decision I had to make was which of her books to take to the signing. :) I love that a lot of her fiction is taking stories of real people and events from scripture and making them come alive in a different time period. A lot of her books have made me fall in love with the Biblical stories all over again. Of course her book, Redeeming Love, is one of my favorites, so I took that one. While there, I also picked up her two latest books, Her Mother's Hope and Her Daughter's Dream for her to sign. Since I am very close to my mother and sisters, I can't wait to read them! If you have never read any of Francine's books I encourage you to buy one and get started! You will love them!

God's Children

2010-09-05T09:25:00.005-04:00

I love how sometimes God speaks to others and then, through their re-telling, He speaks to me! That has happened to me twice this week!

I was at a birthday party and was talking with my friend, Chrystal. She and her husband have 1 little girl and have been talking about adopting a child through domestic adoption. As is almost always the case in families I talk to (my husband included) the husbands are not quite as ready to adopt. They are hesitant to make such a big step and have lots of questions. As they talked about adoption last week, the husband asked, "What if our child decides to look for their birth parent when they turn 18? Wouldn't that make you feel like it was all a loss?" I LOVE Chrystal's answer! She said, (in my paraphrase,) "You know, ALL our children are God's children. Whether they are adopted or biological, we have been given them to care for and train for a season!"

How awesome is that? I mean I've known that my whole life, but somehow the way she worded it just opened my eyes anew to the fact. It does not matter whether I birthed my child or adopted him/her. It does not matter if they are my race or another race. "My" child is not "mine." He/She is God's child and He has loaned them to me for a season. What a privilage to be able to kiss, hug, teach, and lead one of God's precious children!

Heaven

2010-09-01T06:44:00.003-04:00

This month has been a very difficult one for me, emotionally and physically. For some reason I am aching from head to toe. It hurts to sleep if you can imagine that. Even my fingers hurt. They have told me that the Herceptin can make you ache and feel like your body is 90 years old, so maybe that's it.

Emotionally things have been difficult as well. My husband and I are trying to find some normalcy in our new life, and I'm very tired and cranky with the kids I think. In the last month my neighbor's husband across the street died from cancer, my neighbor up the street was just diagnosed with cancer and told he probably won't live till Christmas, my husband's uncle's wife is struggling with cancer and just got news that it has spread, a woman in our church just started her chemo for breast cancer, and a childhood friend was just diagnosed with inoperable cancer. I know it is everywhere, but the news can be overwhelming when you are in the middle of it still yourself. Needless to say, I am grateful for the hope of Heaven!

Don Piper's book, "90 Minutes in Heaven," gives one of the most beautiful descriptions of Heaven I have ever read. My family and I are music lovers, so his description of the music in Heaven just melts my heart. I can't type the whole chapter here, but here is a snipit!

"It was the most beautiful and pleasant sound I've ever heard, and it didn't stop. It was like a song that goes on forever. I didn't just hear music. It seemed as if I were part of the music--and it played in and through my body. I stood still, and yet I felt embraced by the sounds.

The praise was unending...hundreds of songs were being sung at the same time--all of them worshipping God. If we played 3 cd's of praise at the same time, we'd have a cacophony of noise that would drive us crazy. This was totally different. Every sound (voice, instrument, the swoosh of angel wings) blended, and enhanced the others.

I couldn't calculate the number of songs--perhaps thousands--offered up simultaneously, and yet there was no chaos, because I had the capacity to hear each one and discern the lyrics and melody. I marveled at the glorious music."

Then I looked again, and I heard the singing of thousands and millions of angels

around the throne and the living beings and the elders.

Revelation 5:11

Growing Up

2010-08-10T23:05:00.004-04:00

On the night before my kids head back to school tomorrow, I am feeling a little nostalgic. My girls are growing up too quickly. This summer, they both had birthdays. Emma turned 9 and Hallie turned 11. Tomorrow Emma will start 4th grade. She gets to move to the "big kids" wing of the school and this year she will rotate teachers and classrooms. Hallie will be heading to Middle School tomorrow. I can't believe the day has come. I'm a little panicked. I want to say, "Hey wait a minute. I'm not ready. I think I will home school you for the next 3 years." :) On the other hand, I am excited to watch her grow and see the young lady she will become. So much change is going to take place in both girls this year.

Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of my girls.

I am truly blessed!

Summer Days

2010-07-29T22:11:00.002-04:00

I love these summer days! Summer is extra special for us since my husband is a teacher and he gets the summer off too. The kids love having their Daddy home with them for a while. At the same time, by the end of the summer, we are all ready for the routine that school days bring.

We have had a very relaxing summer, but one filled with all things medical. :) Since my chemo ended in June, Emma has started all her stuff at the orthodontist, Hallie is continuing hers, and Hallie and Nathan have both had their tonsils and adenoids removed. Tomorrow I have my first consult with a plastic surgeon to talk about my reconstruction. I have decided to put the surgery off until February when my treatments are over. I did not relish doing both at the same time.

So, for another week and 1/2 we will rest, recoup, and try to enjoy these last hot, lazy days of summer break.

Favorite Memories

2010-07-23T13:25:00.003-04:00

For those who wanted to see it, here is my "finished" bracelet! I put finished in quotes because it's really not done yet I think. I plan to add a few charms here and there as I find things that represent some of my favorite memories.

The little suitcase charm actually opens! On the front it says Italy and Paris. My husband and I actually went to Florence, Rome and Paris together about 3 years ago and it was amazing! It was my first trip overseas and I loved it!

The soccer ball charm with the heart on it doesn't need that much explanation. My husband played soccer growing up and our kids have been playing since they were about 4 years old. We love to go as a family and cheer each other on. It's one of my favorite things to do!

I guess all that's left for me to do is to keep living each day and making more memories with my friends and family!

Final Beads

2010-07-10T15:13:00.002-04:00

Now that I am a few weeks out from my last chemo, I finally felt like purchasing my last 2 beads for my "chemo" bracelet. A fellow Dillon mom, Amy, was so amazing and sent me a gift card to purchase my last bead. She sent enough that I was able to purchase a "C" charm for me too! Amy seems like an old friend to me, even though we have yet to meet in person. Our sons were in the same crib in India and we hope to reunite them again someday. I love that I have been so blessed and encouraged through my adoption journey and now through this cancer journey by the same group of women...and only 1 have I ever met in person. Someday I hope to change that and be able to give them a great big hug, but for now a "thank you" on the internet will have to suffice.

The blue bead is for Nathan, my first baby boy! He is such a joy to me and I have found it to be true that a little boy does hold a special place in his mother's heart!

The brown bead is for Micah. When I saw the brown, coppery color I knew that was the one. It reminds me of the beautiful color of his skin. Words could never describe the gift from God that he has been to me and to our family!

And so, my 6 beads have been purchased...one for each chemo finished. I may purchase some more charms to further personalize the bracelet, but for now each time I wear the bracelet, I will be reminded of the 6 chemo rounds completed and the 6 reasons I am choosing to "fight like a girl,"...my family!

Walking on Water

2010-06-30T12:28:00.004-04:00

This week I went to a new Internal Medicine doctor. I needed to get established as a new patient so that I have somewhere to go if I get sick. As she was asking all kinds of questions going through my medical history, she asked me if I had any depression or anxiety. I told her I had in the past, but not now. She seemed startled and asked, "Not at all? Not with all the cancer stuff you are going through?" I had to say, "No, not really." She then asked me why I thought that was. I told her I was not sure, but I just felt like my cancer was not a surprise to God, and that since He had allowed it, He must have a purpose, and He had promised to carry me through, so I was just trusting His promises. She thought that was great, and carried on with the appointment.

Fast forward to Sunday. At church we watched a video clip and I was reminded of the passage in Matthew 14:22-32 where Jesus and Peter walk on the water. In the midst of the storm, Peter walks on water...like he was floating...as long as he looked at Jesus. The second he looked away, he began to sink and be overwhelmed by the storm. Then it hit me. I think that is a great description of how I've felt. I cannot describe why I've had a peace in the midst of this storm except that I've tried to keep my eyes on Jesus. I have literally felt like I was "floating" through this storm, or like I was walking on water with the storm raging around me. I have no doubt that if I took my eyes off of Jesus and looked at my circumstances, that I would, in an instant, be drowning in grief, sorrow, fear of the unknown, confusion, anger, frustration, etc. Jesus told Peter, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid." In a way, I feel like He has said the same thing to me. So, I continue to move forward with baby steps. It's like I am walking on the water, through this storm, being held up by the gaze and arms of Jesus!

In the Mean Time

2010-06-25T20:08:00.000-04:00

Finished last chemo. Feeling much better emotionally knowing that part is over. Still going for weekly Herceptin treatments. Completed blood test to check for ovarian cancer. Awaiting results for that. Second echocardiogram shows my heart still going strong. Trying to get on with life in the mean time!

Life in general is different now since my cancer diagnosis. I have to be more careful of my health now. I get tired and cranky more easily. (just ask my husband or my kids :) But, life goes on. We are going to try to take a vacation close to home in July. My sister is due to have her baby in July. Two of my kiddos will be having their tonsils and adenoids out in July. I am looking forward to it all.

One good thing a cancer diagnosis does for everyone I think, is to make them stop and evaluate what is important to them in life. I so cherish getting to do the ordinary and mundane things and I value my time with my family so much. I also have a new empathy for those fighting the battle with cancer...my pediatricians wife, my sister-in-law's mother, a friend's husband. I am reminded that our circumstances do not change who God is. He is still my Father, Friend, Healer, Comforter, and He hears the prayers of this faint-hearted soul. So, tonight I offer up prayers of praise for my healing, thanksgiving for my friends and family, and petitions for those in the middle of suffering. Amen!

Sweet Childhood!

2010-06-18T19:24:00.000-04:00

This week I watched "The Princess Diaries 2" with my daughters. It's such a cute movie. I guess every little girl dreams about being a princess someday. I have loved watching my daughters growing up. They are so beautiful and talented and sweet. I am excited to see how they continue to grow. Of course I am not looking forward to the whole "boy" stuff that is sure to come. All I can do is pray that even now the Lord is preparing their "prince" for their future together. In the meantime, I just had to laugh at their sweetness. After watching the movie, they immediately took off to play in their room. As they went, my 9 year old said, "Come on! Let's pretend that I'm a princess and you are..." Now I expected to hear the words, "you are the prince." Not being ready for them to start all the boy/girl stuff I must have been holding my breath. I need not have worried however. To my delight and amusement, she finished the sentence..."and you are my royal horse!" So much better in my opinion. :)

Going Out with a Bang!

2010-06-09T17:57:00.000-04:00

I finished my last chemo yesterday! Praise the Lord I made it through. Well, give me a week and a half to feel better and then I can say I made it through. :) I couldn't finish my chemo without some drama though. Yesterday, halfway through my second chemo drug, I had a reaction of some sort to the meds. My chest got real tight and heavy and I began having labored breathing. They immediately stopped the drug, took my blood pressure, checked my oxygen level and listened to my lungs and heart. Apparently on this drug some people have a reaction on their 6th or 7th time taking it. Weird. Anyway, after monitoring me for an hour and giving me another bag of steroids and another bag of fluids, I was cleared to finish. We took it more slowly the second time around and I was able to finish ok. Needless to say, by the time I got home I was very tired and swollen from all the fluids. We had been there from 10:30 a.m. till 4:30 p.m. Nothing like going out with a bang. :)

Today I am tired of course, but the swelling is going down now. I know I can finish up the rest of my treatments now. With the Herceptin I have some headaches and body aches and some insomnia, but that is all doable. I will finish in February hopefully and then begin discussions about reconstruction. For now, I'm just going to rest and wait for this week to pass.

Genetics Test

2010-05-30T19:24:00.000-04:00

I got the results from my genetic testing this week. The test was negative! Praise the Lord! That means I do not have the genetic cancer gene and I do not have to consider any preventative surgeries and I do not have to have my daughters tested for the mutated gene! It would have been nice to have someone tell me, "Yes, this is why you got the cancer," but I did not want to have something that could have been passed on to my children.

So, I continue on with my weekly treatments. I have my second echocardiogram this week to make sure that the Herceptin is not damaging my heart. I have this week to enjoy and then I have my last chemo left on June 8th. Although I will be taking treatments till February of 2011, I am now trying to think of what I would like to do to celebrate the end of the yucky chemo part of the treatments. A weekend get-away to the mountains with my husband would be a wonderful way to celebrate I think. I wonder if I could find anyone to watch 4 kids for the night for me? :) Oh well. Counting down the days!

Soccer

2010-05-26T20:09:00.001-04:00

Tis the end of the season for many things, and one of those is soccer. Watching my children play soccer is one of my "favorite things!" My husband used to play as a young man growing up and for the last couple of seasons he has been able to coach our girls team! It has been so much fun!

Nathan has been able to play on my brother-in-law's team and he just finished his third season. He is doing much better. His first try at it we could not keep him on the field. He just stood there and whined, asking, "Is it over yet?" The second go round he would run with the group, back and forth, back and forth, never even once glancing around to see where the ball might be. This third time around, he has actually kicked the ball a couple of times! It's what he calls scoring a goal. :) We still need a little work.

Emma is our little go-getter. She is a huge bundle of energy in a small package on the soccer field. She can play any position, including goalie, and lets all the other girls know where they need to be. :)

Hallie is our dependable one. She is usually always where she should be and can be counted on to pass the ball where it needs to be, or even score if necessary! She can defend or pursue with the best of them!

I was never an athletic type, so I am grateful to the Lord for this opportunity to watch my children play!

Breast Cancer Walk/Benefit

2010-05-22T18:54:00.000-04:00

Here are a few fun photos of the Breast Cancer Walk/Benefit that my friend Dawn organized for us! She is the beautiful lady with the contagious smile in the photo at the bottom! We were so overwhelmed that day. The weather was perfect, and our tears began to flow as soon as we pulled into the park and saw all the cars and hundreds of people from all walks of our lives. Although I would not have chosen to have this cancer, I feel honored to have been able to experience something like this walk, where I got to see in a tangible way, the love of family and friends. I am also reminded of God's hand personally touching my life.

During the adoption of Micah, the funds were not there, but I felt like God would provide if we would step out in faith. And God did! We still cannot fathom how God provided during that two year process. Then, to find out that I had cancer just 9 months later and to wonder about all the medical procedures, expenses, etc. However, I felt the Lord telling me that He would not lead me where He would not provide. And, again, He has. The Walk/Benefit raised over $4000 for our medical expenses! Every cancer bill that has come in so far has been paid by a family member or friend's gift! What a testimony to God's graciousness to use those around us to bless us! We will never be able to fully express our gratitude. All we can say is "thank you from the bottom of our hearts," and "we love you!"

Building a Bracelet!

2010-05-13T15:01:00.000-04:00

I have finished chemo #3 and #4 and I am still building my bracelet. Thank you to my sister, Connie, who funded one of my newest beads!

#3 bead is yellow and is for my daughter, Hallie! Her nickname is "Sunshine," so the yellow seemed perfect! She got the nickname when she was just a little girl because she would wake up in the mornings smiling, happy and ready to start her day! She has continued to be happy and content and bring us so much joy!

#4 bead is aqua and is for my daughter, Emma! Aqua is her favorite color, so I had to get this one for her. Aqua is a unique, happy color with lots of charm and that fits my little girl to a T! From her style to her personality, Emma continues to make us smile every day!

I got a brief reprieve from the chemo treatments this week. I was supposed to have my 5th one on Tuesday, but asked if I could postpone it for 1 week. They don't like to do that, but the doc asked what I had going on. By pushing it forward a week, I'll be able to go to my girls piano recitals, their Spring Choir Concert, and attend my son's "End of the Year Program." Doc said that was good enough for him, so I got an extra week to enjoy my family!

Mother's Day 2010!

2010-05-09T21:55:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was the Breast Cancer Walk and Benefit for our family put together by my friend Dawn. The weather was beautiful and so many people turned out! We were overwhelmed by the love and generosity of everyone! Just pulling into the parking lot and seeing all the cars brought tears to our eyes. We enjoyed so much seeing people from so many different parts of our lives...friends from college, high school students, teachers from the high school, teachers from our daughter's elementary school, friends from church, friends from my husband's church growing up, family, etc. Words cannot express how blessed we feel and how grateful we are.

After the walk, I took the kids to Chick-fil-a to get a bite to eat. Emma mentioned that today had been "my day" and that they would try to be good the whole day in my honor. I then asked them if they remembered that the next day was going to be Mother's Day. That's when Hallie groaned and said, "Aw man. I don't know if we can do two days in a row!" :)

Well, today is Mother's Day and when I got up from my nap, the kids had posted home-made signs all over the house for me. The one above made David and me laugh. David said I better enjoy my day, because it looked like according to the sign it was going to be a short one! :) I am so grateful and blessed to be "mommy" to my kiddos and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! In the midst of the cancer journey, this weekend has been an awesome reminder to me that I have friends and family who love me and a God who will provide for and take care of me! What a precious gift! Happy Mother's Day 2010!

Relay for Life!

2010-05-01T10:15:00.000-04:00

I did it! My first American Cancer Society Walk for Life as a cancer survivor! I must say it was a little bit emotional for me.

Three years ago, there was a young girl in my husband's Student Council Core that had had cancer as a child. She asked if the core could be a team and walk in the relay as one of their service projects for the year. Of course they did and it has become a tradition for them ever since. I have walked in the relay before, but it was never personal!

When the walk began they had survivors stand in a line and tell our names and how long we have been on the cancer journey. Everyone gave their name and then gave a number in "years." I was the only one in the line that said, "4 months." While hearing all the "years" was very encouraging, it was also a reminder of how short a time we have been on our journey and what a whirlwind it has been so far and still is. We are still fighting and haven't yet come out on the other side. The next thing was the call for survivors to take the first lap, and I did get teary eyed. I don't think I would have made it around if it hadn't been for a sweet woman who sidled up next to me and talked with me the whole way round. A second lap was then done with our "caregivers" joining us on the track. I loved walking around with my family and my 3 oldest kids all held my hands and walked very closely to me. I think it was a good experience for them to think about my cancer but to also see so many others and their families who have battled it too.

Around 10:00 p.m., the candle or luminary ceremony began. White bags with candles in them were placed the entire length of the track and were lit "in honor" of or "in memory" of someone who had been touched by cancer. A young girl in my husband's Core had purchased a luminary in my honor and it was very surreal lighting the candle with my family and all those awesome young high school kids standing around me in a circle, hemming me in with their love and support. We then all took a lap together in the darkness and silence with a man on a bagpipe leading the way playing "Amazing Grace." A very touching experience again for my kids I think. Emma was crying, Hallie was reading all the bags on the side as we passed, Nathan was silent (he was very tired...way past his bed time), and Micah was, believe it or not, quiet as a mouse. He must have sensed something though because he spent the whole time walking from one student to the next without a word giving them big hugs.

It was a great "walk" and I look forward to next year. Of course my husband and the Core stayed at the walk till 5:30 a.m. They always run all night long with games for the teams, etc. and someone from your team walking on the track at all times. My girls wanted to stay, but were just too tired and we were not prepared. Next year, our plan is to let them stay all night with Daddy and we'll pack their sleeping bags, etc. like the big kids did! I think it will make awesome memories for them some day!

It was a fun memory for me too, and good preparation for the walk that is being done in my honor this weekend of Mother's Day coming up. I'm sure that one is going to be even more emotional for me. I guess it doesn't hurt every once in a while to be reminded that you are loved!

No Fun to be Around

2010-04-27T19:56:00.000-04:00

Ok. I will admit today that I must be someone right now who is no fun to be around. After chemo #4 I am an emotional and physical basket case. It is funny to me because when I do go out, everyone I see says how good I look. Maybe it's the wig, maybe it's the steroids they have me on, who knows, but I feel like I am ready to fly to Mexico to live out the rest of my life, following alternative treatments and eating only organic vegetables till I die of old age. :) Ok, my husband says that's a bit extreme.

I am so emotional. I cry mostly because I don't feel well. But, nowdays, I cry at the drop of a hat. Two weeks ago I cried watching my daughter singing "Banjo On My Knee," with her choir. Can you believe that? Me with tears running down my face while that song was being sung? What's more unbelievable is that I think I was crying just because I thought it was cool that she was singing the Alto (or low part)! Today she brought home a piece of paper from school that gave information about her upcoming 5th grade graduation and I started again...crying uncontrollably because it said that after her ceremony at school that morning the 5th graders must go home and not remain at school that day. How am I ever going to handle the actual piano and choir recitals coming up, or even the graduation ceremony itself? My husband is going to have to lock me up!

I also cry because I am tired. I'm tired in general. This week I am extra tired because apparently I have picked up some kind of infection on top of the chemo, so I am now on antibiotics too, and I've lost my voice. I am tired of not being able to taste stuff or get this awful metallic taste out of my mouth. I am tired of the muscles in my left eye twitching. This has been going on for two months now. I am tired of hot flashes. On top of everything else, the chemo is sending me into early menopause! I have so much hope and I know that this season will not last forever. My cancer is gone and I have so much to be grateful for. However, this also makes me tired...the emotional roller-coaster of gratefulness and sorrow mixed together.

So, what to do? All I can do right now is go to bed, so to save my family from more hilarious tears tonight, that's exactly what I am going to do. Good night.

"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is compassionate.

The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low and He saved me.

Return to your rest, O my soul,

for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For Thou hast rescued my soul from death,

my eyes from tears,

my feet from stumbling.

I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

Psalms 116:5-9 NASV

Buy a Necklace, Protect a Life!

2010-04-20T18:23:00.000-04:00

Ok. This blog was started for me to write about things I am passionate about, and for obvious reasons, it has begun as a blog about my experience so far with breast cancer. Today, however, I wanted to share about something else...my heart ache for the orphan.

I love the ministry Children's Hope Chest run by President Tom Davis. He has written a couple of Novels and also the books, "Fields of the Fatherless" and "Red Letters," which are fantastic. He is passionate about helping the poor and the orphan and is on the front lines daily in Africa, Russia and India. He just returned from a trip to Moldova, Russia, the sex-trafficking capitol in Europe. Children's Hope Chest is partnering with 2 organizations there that are working to rescue girls from this fate. A huge number of the girls trafficked are orphans who have just been let go from the orphanages at the ages of 15 and 16.

You can follow Tom's blog by clicking on the link in the side bar of my blog here. Right now they are offering a necklace that you can purchase for Mother's Day and the proceeds go to help these girls in Russia. The description reads:

This Mothers Day, Children’s HopeChest is partnering with AdoptionFathers.com to bring you the Love Goes Around necklace. This beautiful, limited edition, hand-made necklace will make an incredibly meaningful Mother’s Day gift.

When you buy this necklace for your mother, wife, sister, or daughter, proceeds will go directly to support young women like Masha, and other girls who benefit from programs at the Ministry Centers. Each necklace provides one of the following:

2 weeks of direct assistance for a women in our Young Mothers Program
Nearly 1 month of mentorship, counseling, and discipleship at our Ministry Center

The necklaces are a bit expensive, but for the cost of a good pedicure or a meal at an expensive restaurant, you can help protect a life instead! Please click on the link hopechest.org to make your purchase! Thank you!

Missing Mommy.

2010-04-07T20:03:00.000-04:00

Besides the week after each chemo when I am sick, I have decided that the worst thing about this cancer diagnosis is the "missing mommy" scenario that has developed. I honestly feel like my life has been put on hold till June when my last chemo is over. I am trying my best to be a part of everything that I can, but it's just not possible to do it all. Although I am sure the forced rest is good for me since my family is always on the go, it is still difficult to be left at home in bed and not feel like doing things I normally would.

My mom and my husband saved Micah's "gotcha day" and birthday. But I've missed choir concerts, soccer games, church and other things. I did buy Easter outfits this year, but I had forgotten to get shorts and shoes for the boys until it was too late and I'd already had my latest chemo. Thankfully, my husband and my sister met at Target on Saturday afternoon and found some that would work. I am grateful and it wasn't that big of a deal, but I just felt so sad. It just felt like one more thing I was missing. Of course I had to miss service this year, so our Easter picture this year is just of my beautiful kiddos!

I know it's not forever and I have so, so much to be grateful for, so I am going to stop complaining now. I just wanted to be truthful and being able to document my feelings is helpful to me, so that is how it is.

3 Down, 3 to Go!

2010-03-30T20:22:00.000-04:00

Today I went for my 3rd chemo treatment. I am now halfway on the chemo...3 down, 3 to go! All went smoothly. Again I slept through the 4 hour treatment. They are giving me half the dose of Benedryl they usually give people since I am so susceptible to meds and it still knocks me for a loop. (The Benedryl is given because at any point I can develop an allergic reaction to the Herceptin drug.) I am feeling exhausted this evening, but no nausea right now with the steroids and nausea meds in my system from the treatment this morning.

Today I also finished reading an amazing book. It is called "Love Mercy" by Lisa Samson. The back of the book gives this brief description...

"Having lived a life of plenty in suburban America, Lisa Samson and her eighteen-year-old daughter Ty thought they were traveling to Africa to minister to the people and chronicle the AIDS crisis devastating the continent. Their trip, they assumed, would be missional, merciful, giving. Instead, they experienced a life-changing, soul-rattling journey."

One thing that really spoke to me from the book was when she was talking about her life as "her story." God began to show her that this was not the case. Our lives are not about becoming followers of Christ and adding Him into "our story." From the moment of Creation and before, it has always been about "God's story" and when we become followers of Christ, we are mercifully and graciously drawn into "His story." It would be easy to be frustrated or fearful about how my breast cancer is messing up "my life story." However, when I look at it in the light of God wanting to use me and my cancer as part of furthering "His story," that changes things. I pray that I will be found faithful and will be a clear reflection of His love and grace!

On a side note...if you purchase the book to read, 100% of the proceeds go to Children's Hope Chest run by President Tom Davis who wrote the books "Fields of the Fatherless" and "Red Letters."

Where God Lead, He Provides!

2010-03-23T08:18:00.000-04:00

The thought of the cost we are going to incur when I got the cancer diagnosis was just one of the thoughts on our minds as we headed into the new year starting 2010. I cannot even begin to imagine what weekly treatments for 1 year will add up to. Then you add the 2 surgeries, all the extras that go along with that, and the reconstruction stuff afterwards. It can be a bit overwhelming.

However, we have just come back from our adoption experience where God blew us away with His provision...the exact amounts at the exact time it was needed. Over and over again providing in ways that kept us humbly on our knees. We can truly say that our whole adoption experience was a "God thing" from start to finish. Now, the financial aspect of things does not seem too overwhelming for Him to handle. He has led me here, so I believe that He will provide the way. And He has already begun to provide in His usual unusual ways!

Yesterday, an aunt's mother called us and said that she and her neighbor were talking and she mentioned the cancer journey we are on and her neighbor said that he felt like he wanted to help us out. Each month he tries to give away $200 to someone who needs it and this month he definitely wanted to give it to us for our medical expenses! This from a man we have never met and probably never will!

In January, we got a call from a dear friend in our church who is a nurse. She had to organize a "Walk/Benefit" of some sort as a process in her continuing education. When she found out that I had breast cancer, she decided to do a Breast Cancer Walk and Benefit for our family! We have been very overwhelmed and humbled by her wanting to do this. The walk is going to be Mother's Day weekend here in our community and will include a silent auction, craft vendors, entertainment for kids, etc! People can buy a t-shirt, join a team and come walk with my family! I am looking forward to spending that time with our family and friends! If you have not signed up yet, I hope you will join us!

I love that God is so creative in His provision and that many, many times He loves to use others around us to bless our lives!

Bracelet

2010-03-16T20:00:00.001-04:00

Well, I thought I would share my bracelet with my first 2 beads, celebrating finishing my first 2 chemo treatments. My sweet husband got me the bracelet for Valentines Day and the 2 crystal hearts are built into the bracelet. There was so, so much to choose from, so I had to decide kind of what look I wanted the bracelet to take. I decided on these antique looking beads. I wanted to pick a different color bead to represent each member of my family since they are why I am fighting and doing the treatments in the first place. My first bead is "pink," of course, to represent me and the breast cancer. My second bead is "orange" for my husband. Since it happens to be one of the colors in his favorite ball team, I thought it appropriate. :) I am definitely NOT looking forward to my next treatment, but I am excited now about my next bead! A special thanks goes out to my friend, Chrystal, who gave me the idea for the bracelet in the first place and then gave me a gift card to "sponsor" my first bead!

A Reason for my Hope!

2010-03-14T10:11:00.000-04:00

I'm finishing off another rough week. Different, but still rough. The new meds helped with some of the symptoms, but not all. I want to cry myself to sleep every night, but I can't let myself because it makes the head aching worse. Without the HOPE that the doctors got all the cancer and this treatment is mostly prevention, without the HOPE that till May I am going to be sick for 1 week, but feel well for 2, without the HOPE that I can do or face ALL things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13), I would feel very HOPELESS right about now. I cannot imagine an inkling of the hopelessness those without a personal relationship with Christ must feel when something in their life goes wrong.

That being said, Jesus told His followers to, "be ready always to give an answer to every man that asks you, a reason for the hope that is in you..." (I Peter 3:15). So this morning, I was thinking of a couple of reasons that give me HOPE...

Psalms 139 says it all. God knew me and loved me even before He formed me in the womb and He knew the number of days that I would live. Nothing can separate me from His love! "How precious are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand!"
Jeremiah 29:11-13 encompasses so much! I know that God has a plan for my life, that He hears my prayers and that He is a God who is personal and can be known! His death on the cross gave me the hope of a future without calamity in Heaven someday and I love His promise..."call upon Me, and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart!"

As I go through this cancer experience, I am encouraged by and in awe of those fellow believers in Christ who have not gotten the positive news that I have and yet are singing the praises of their Saviour with gusto. I am overwhelmed by their courage and faith and challenged by the strength of their personal relationship with Jesus Christ through their own cancer stories. My children's pediatrician and his wife, Pastor Matt Chandler, and Zac, the son of some missionary friends. Please click on their stories and read their hearts. I thank them so much for their faithful testimonies!

Hoping for better!

2010-03-08T19:43:00.000-05:00

Well, tomorrow I head in early for my second chemo treatment...a process that will take about 4-5 hours. I am hoping for better physical health this second time around. The nurse has given me some different meds to try to see if we can head off some of the side effects I experienced a couple of weeks ago. Lets see...those would be...constipation, headache, body ache, stomach cramps, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, raw tongue, a mouth sore, and taste bud changes. And all that happened in one week! I am trying to think positive and hoping that the different meds work better this coming week. I have also started experiencing the hair loss already. I was a little surprised that it happened so quickly after just 1 treatment.

On a positive note, I did well the second 2 weeks with just the Herceptin doses. I just experienced some body aches, headaches, and being really tired, but I can take a nap and some tylonal and live with those for the rest of the year if I have to. Also, although my blood count went down the second week, so far I have stayed well. My husband has done his best to keep me quarantined at home so that I don't get sick. Of course this week he missed 3 days of school because he was home sick with the stomach virus. The Lord has protected me and I feel well going into my treatment tomorrow.

My girls did not get to go with me last Tuesday. So much happened. The weather did not cooperate and it snowed that day. The cancer patient advocate was snowed in on the mountain and the lady who heads the cancer dept was home sick. Then they canceled school, so my husband had to stay home with all the kids and I drove myself to the treatment. So much for the best laid plans. :) The new plan is to take them with us next week. Hopefully that will all work out.

So, I head to bed tonight to try and get some rest so I will feel strong and rested in the morning!

My Girls

2010-02-24T08:26:00.000-05:00

This week has been a rough week for me and my family both. Lots of tears, lost sleep, and a little worry. I can write about it now as I am heading into my second week from the chemo and I am starting to feel better and have a little hope again that I can make it through this. It has been a difficult week for my girls though. So far, I have been able to be very straightforward with them and we have just taken everything in stride and been able to keep their routines the same. That all changed this week with me being sick. I think it has finally hit them that something could be wrong with me and they are starting to worry a bit.

Hallie (10) has asked me if she will get cancer since I got cancer. Emma (8) had a boy at school tell her that I could not have cancer because I am still here and people with cancer die. She came home this week, lay down in the bed next to me and started to cry. She said, "It's so hard to have a mom with cancer, and having no hair. It's so hard to have a life with your mommy sick." Needless to say that broke my heart.

Yesterday at my treatment (which will now be every Tuesday morning for the rest of the year) we spoke with Sam, a cancer patient advocate. He was a grandfather figure who was so awesome to talk to and put us at ease. Our hospital runs a program strictly for children of cancer patients. Next Tuesday, we are going to take Hallie and Emma out of school and take them to my treatment with me. On that morning, Sam and Janet (a wonderful lady who heads up the cancer dept.) are going to take the girls around the hospital, buy them lunch, let them meet my doctor, show them where and how I get my treatment and that it is a safe place to be, talk with them about cancer and answer any questions they might have. I am so, so excited for the girls and hope that this will be such an encouragement to them and help to take a small weight off their shoulders.

I'll let you know how it goes! In the meantime, thank you so, so much for all the prayers and words of encouragement. They are my lifeline and let me know that I am not alone!

Sweet Worship

2010-02-21T11:30:00.000-05:00

This morning I could not go to church as I am still not feeling well. Also, I am heading into the week where my blood count is supposed to be at its lowest and my likelihood for infection stronger, so I am just resting at home. We did, however, have our own church service with all the kids singing, Emma reading scripture, and a play performed by the kids. (Nothing is complete in our household without some kind of play production. Wonder if that is inevitable with 2 theatre majors for parents?) Anyway, the play was a version of the story of Esther in the Bible that I have never heard before and it just made me smile inside! Esther was taken by "carriage" to the "castle" where she went on "stage" to "audition" for the king. The words in quotations are my girls words. :) After she was chosen by the king, she saved his life by pushing him out of the way from something falling from the ceiling that was about to land on his head. The king was so grateful! It took me a while to figure that one out. Then my husband remembered that that is what happens in the Veggie Tale version. Needless to say, the story I heard this morning is now my favorite version of Esther that I have ever heard. :)

Laminin

2010-02-17T13:23:00.000-05:00

I was just reminded yesterday of something I heard from Louie Giglio in a message he gave at a concert. I hope you will click on Louie's name above and watch it. It is an AWESOME reminder of God's love and sovereignty and the fact that He knew us before He created us! I can rest confidently in the fact the the Lord is in control, He knows what He is doing in my life and He will hold me together!

Colossians 1:16, 17

For by Him all things were created,

in heaven and on earth, visible, and invisible...

And He is before all things,

and in Him all things hold together!

Have a Little Faith

2010-02-17T07:59:00.000-05:00

Ok. I finished one of the books on my reading list for this year. It is a very compelling story and an easy read. I did make me want to add the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" to my list. Although I didn't necessarily agree with a few of his conclusions on different religions I thoroughly enjoyed learning about the 2 men in the stories and was again affirmed about what "true religion" should look like and act like! It definitely made me appreciate my church and my family and the blessings God has given me!

One Down, Five to Go!

2010-02-16T16:06:00.000-05:00

2-1 and we are off. Yesterday my day surgery went well and I now have a porta cath in my chest. Besides a big bruise and some ugly stitches, you would not know it was there unless you looked real hard. I am so thankful they waited till this morning to start the treatments because once again, the anesthesia made me sick. Although the fact that they left the needle in overnight made for an uncomfortable night, I sure appreciated it this morning when they did not have to re-stick me! My wonderful nurse, Lori, called me in some wonderful numbing medicine that I can put on my skin each time before they have to stick me!

Today went well with my treatment. Today I was there for 5 hours! Usually on my Herceptin weeks, they said to plan for 1 hour. On my chemo weeks it will probably be 4 hours. I am so thankful that the room is not a sterile doctor's office environment. There are leather lounge chairs and recliners everywhere, a living room area with couches and a little kitchenette area with drinks, sandwiches, sweets, etc. for those who are there for a while. My husband even got to come back with me and he could sit and watch t.v., grade papers, etc. The biggest reaction I've had so far was to the Benedryl...I fell fast asleep. :) Right now I am just a little shaky and tired. My husband is at the pharmacy stocking up on the nausea meds, pain relievers, stool softeners, diarrhea meds, and other suggested items. I'm in it for the long haul. We are one down and five to go!

For Valentines Day my husband got me the bracelet that was suggested in the comments. Now I will plan to buy one new bead each time I complete another chemo treatment. I may try to get my first bead tomorrow if the steroids are still working and I have the energy. :) That will give me something to definitely look forward to! I should have a beautiful bracelet by this summer!

3-2-1

2010-02-12T19:39:00.000-05:00

"3" - Today I began the countdown leading up to my first treatment day. My echocardiogram went well. I was not sure what to expect, but it was basically an ultrasound of my heart. Although I was not looking forward to another medical procedure, it is nice to know that my heart looks great!

After my visit, my husband and I went out to lunch for our "Valentine" date since I will be going to visit my grandparents this weekend. My grandpa is in a nursing home and although they have chosen not to tell him that I have cancer, someone told him that I was very sick and he has been worried about me ever since. I have not seen them since Christmas and once my chemo starts I don't know if I will be able to travel for a while, so I am going to go for a quick visit and set my grandpa's mind at ease.

So, I will enjoy the weekend and get ready for my surgery on Monday!

Uuggh!

2010-02-09T10:55:00.000-05:00

Uuggh! That is exactly how I have felt this weekend. Last week, I tried to squeeze in doctors and dentist appointments for the kids so that I did not have to go into any children's doctors office once I started chemo and run the risk of catching something. So what happened? I caught a stomach bug this weekend. I do not do well with nausea and it made me afraid of my first treatment coming up. I know they have great nausea meds, but none of them worked for me when I was pregnant (I was sick for about 7 months with each pregnancy) and I am fearful that they won't work now. I have all the factors of someone who might get sick on the meds. I had bad morning sickness with my pregnancies, I get motion sick (I can't even swing), I am sensitive to medications, etc. I can't even begin to imagine being sick for the next 5 months! I have to stop and take a deep breath and put it out of my mind. I won't borrow worry, I will just wait till Tuesday morning and see what happens. They are going to start the process slowly to make sure that I don't get really sick or have an allergic reaction, so I am supposed to plan to be there for about 4 hours. Good thing I have a great book list started. I've gotten some great suggestions and can't wait to get started. I've started the list that I have on hand on the side of my blog site. I will add to it as I finish the books and I have and get some new ones. If you are reading one of the same ones, feel free to comment on what you think about it!

The writing is therapy for me and your comments are encouragement to me. They make me feel like I am not so alone on this journey. So thank you! And I will share with you that after my bout with sickness this weekend, my main prayer request right now is that I will be able to be strong and not be sick when I start chemo on Tuesday.

Making the most of it!

2010-02-04T19:57:00.000-05:00

Well, little by little I am finding out more details about my treatment process. I will be going in on Monday the 15th to have day surgery to have my port put in. This port will allow me to have the chemo and Herceptin with a minimal amount of pain and will protect my veins from collapsing. The veins in my hand and arm would never hold up to an I.V. every week for a year. Then, on Tuesday the 16th I will go in to begin my first treatment. We forgot to ask, but my friend said that her treatments took about 2 hours each time, so that is what I am going to try to prepare for. They did show me the room where I would go each week. There are huge leather recliners with cup holders where I will sit while I have the infusion. Since it looks like I'll be spending some time there, I'm going to try to make the most of it. I am loading up my i-pod with all my favorite songs and starting to put together a list of books I'd like to read. I have 5 so far that I'm excited to read. Feel free to offer me more suggestions of your favorites. :)

"Half the Sky" by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn
"Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom
"Mansfield Park" by Jane Austen
"A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller
"Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear" by Max Lucado

My friend Pam, a fellow adoptive mom who I got to meet for the first time today, suggested that I find some small way to celebrate and count down each chemo treatment. Something small like buying a purse or something I've been wanting, stopping on my way home to pick up my favorite dessert (5 layer chocolate cake with raspberry sauce from O'Charley's or Italian Creme Cheese cake!) I think that is an awesome idea. I was wanting to count them down anyway. So, while the suggestions for books are flowing, any ideas for small ways I can celebrate as I finish each chemo treatment? Thank you for all the love and support!

Treatment Plan

2010-02-02T18:52:00.000-05:00

Today was my first visit with my oncologist. We really like him so far and have friends who sing his praises, so we feel like we are in good hands. We had a long talk and have lined up our plans for the cancer treatment. Someone asked me this week how I'm feeling about everything and right now, I am in a fighting mood. :) I am ready to do whatever it takes to get going and get rid of whatever might be lurking around in my body. Because my cancer was HER2 positive (only 25% of breast cancer patience have this more aggressive kind) right now I have a 45% chance of it recurring. The treatment plan that I will be taking has a 90% success rate, so I am ready to get started.

Friday the 12th I go in for an echocardiogram so they can get a clear picture of my heart. The Herceptin can damage the heart sometimes, so this will allow them to keep a check on me.
Some time the week after Valentines Day, I will go in for a day surgery to have a port cath put in my chest. This will allow them to give me the treatments there. My veins would not hold up to an I.V. every week for a year.
The same day the port is put in, I will have my first treatment of chemo and Herceptin. I will have 6 treatments of chemo, 1 every 3 weeks till I reach the 6. I will have the Herceptin infusions every week for 1 year.

This week, I got an e-mail from a friend of my husbands. She said that the Lord had given her 2 verses for me and they are perfect "fight songs" for me as I get ready to head into this crazy year that lies ahead!

Jeremiah 32:27

"I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?"

Jeremiah 32:17

"Ah, Lord God! It is You who have made the heavens and the earth

by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm!

Nothing is too hard for You!

Drowning

2010-01-28T12:51:00.001-05:00

So far, I think I have held up pretty well during the month and 1/2 since my diagnosis. It is hard for me to even contemplate how a whole life can change in just that short amount of time. In one instance, nothing has changed. I am still me, same kids, same house, same job, same duties to do. On the other hand, so much has changed for me.

I have not allowed myself to really read the materials I was given, or research breast cancer in general. I have enjoyed just living in the moment, with just the basic facts necessary to make some decisions. However, last night I did finally pull out some materials and read them. I wanted to be as informed as possible heading into my visit with my oncologist on Tuesday. To put it simply, it was a little scary. I suddenly got the feeling of how easy it would be to become overwhelmed with the information, the emotions, and the unanswered questions. I felt like it would not take much and if I gave in just a little bit to those feelings, I would quickly be drowning in sorrow and the loss of security that I am starting to sense. Suddenly every pain, or ache, or feeling becomes a question. Is there more cancer somewhere else? Is it inside me growing and how long will it take me to find it? I thought of 3 women, my age, with young children, who died last year from cancer here in my community. I started to cry, quickly called a friend, and we talked it through. I was able to calm down and fall asleep.

I will mourn and grieve my loss so that I don't carry around all the negative inside. However, I have so, so much to be thankful for and have been blessed so much. Those things are my lifesavers and what I choose to cherish each day. I plan to take each day as it comes and not worry about the tomorrows. I think of the words to the Kutless song, "I'm Still Yours," another new favorite song sent to me by a friend...and I am choosing for "my hands to stay lifted" in praise to my Heavenly Father whom I know loves me with an "everlasting love!" Jeremiah 31:3

If You washed away my vanity

If You took away my words

If all my world was swept away

Would You be enough for me?

Would my beating heart still sing?

If I lost it all

Would my hands stay lifted

To the God who gives and takes away

If You take it all

This life You've given

Still my heart will sing to You

When my life is not what I expected

The plans I made have failed

When there's nothing left to steal me away

Will You be enough for me?

Will my broken heart still sing?

Laughter is the best medicine!

2010-01-26T10:10:00.000-05:00

One of the cancer books I just read, talked about laughter being great medicine for the body. Those who know me, know that I am more melancholy in personality, so I don't get "tickled" as easily as some people, like, say, my husband who is very sanguine. The author of the book suggested several movies that she would watch over and over again, laughing till she cried. My mom looked up the movies online to see if we could order them and she was appalled at the choices. They were nothing that I would watch or even think was funny. So, I will put the question out there. Do any of you have a favorite movie (one that does not contain questionable content or language) that makes you laugh silly? I would love to hear your suggestions.

On a side note, there are a few little things that have happened that might not be funny to anyone else, but since my diagnosis they have made me smile inside or even laugh out loud!

A card from Steven, one of my husband's high school students. Steven said something sweet on one side, then on the other side put, "This was going to be my witty/funny page, but I don't do well under pressure. Here's a muffin!" Underneath he drew a muffin. The he put, "P.S. Muffins are ugly cupcakes. So that's really a cupcake."
Having a friend, Jenny, who went through this before me, that I can call at anytime and ask her personal questions about her reconstruction and implants!
Trying to work with my friend, Angela, whose New Balance business works closely with the Susan G. Komen Foundation to order me a sports bra with a zipper in the front that fits. I don't think the sizing works exactly right when you only have a breast on 1 side. :) It was hilarious to me trying to explain to her the struggle my mom and I had trying to get one to fit.
Shopping with my husband for a recliner to sleep in during the reconstruction phase. Do we buy leather because it's on sale and will stay stylish and last longer or go granny fabric with lots of poofs because it's comfy cozy?

Funny the things that make you smile when you are looking at things with new eyes!

Things Known and Unknown

2010-01-23T19:40:00.000-05:00

Each day I am getting a little stronger. I'm off the pain meds and just using tylonal p.m. It's still a little swollen and painful where they took the lymph nodes, but hopefully that will get better soon. I still get a little tired, but am finding it hard to try to pamper myself. I feel like I should be getting back to business as usual. :) David says I have been acting like I just had a tooth pulled. It will be nice to go out Monday, even if it is just to have the stitches removed!

We know a lot more now that the surgery is over and the pathology report is back. There are, however, still a few unknowns for us.

1. The genetic testing - The surgeon is pretty sure that she is going to have me do the test to see if I am a carrier of the genetically mutated cancer gene. There is only a 7% likelyhood that I would be positive, but if so, that would change a lot of things. If positive, I would have an 85% chance of having cancer again, and my kids would have a 50% chance of being carriers as well. This would also mean more preventive type surgeries for me. So, our prayer is that my test will be negative!

2. Treatment - I visit with my oncologist for the first time on February 2nd. That meeting should determine exactly which medications I will be taking and for how long. I do know that I will have to take Herceptin which will be an infusion every 3 weeks for 1 year. Since my veins would not hold up to an I.V. every 3 weeks, I will have to have another day surgery when my treatments begin. This will allow them to insert a porta cath into my chest and all the infusions will be done that way. Although it means another surgery, my friend who has gone through breast cancer before me says that treatment is much less painful when done that way! I am all for whatever is less painful! Our prayer here is that I don't get sick on the chemo. The doc says it could go either way. :)

3. Reconstructive surgery - People keep asking me about the reconstructive surgery part. That will all come later and I guess will be totally up to me. I'm sure I will have it done, but will have to decide if I will have the other side removed and do reconstruction there at the same time. My initial thinking is "yes." I think it would be better to just not have to worry about the cancer ever coming back. I may change my mind, we'll see. I won't have to make that decision till my chemo is over and right now I don't know when that will be. The positive is that the reconstruction is an option!

So, we wait till the unknowns are revealed, one day at a time!

What Cancer Cannot Do

2010-01-20T10:22:00.000-05:00

It seems like each day I am getting a little stronger. Although very, very sore, I am not taking as many pain meds and I am moving my arm more. I am still not supposed to really lift till the stitches come out on Monday. This has been made easier with my husband and mother at home with me, but it's been a little confusing for Micah. I don't think he understands why I can't pick him up like I did just a week ago, or why I flinch when he comes running toward me. :) I'm trying to love on him all I can while he sits next to me on someone else's lap.

Now is a short waiting game while I heal and before treatment begins. My appointment with an oncologist has been made for the first week of February, so I have a brief respite before beginning my chemo and other drugs. My husband gave me a small book in my stocking at Christmas that is called "What Cancer Cannot Do," by Phyllis Ten Elshof. I guess this is a great time for me to meditate on the scriptures, quotes, and encouraging stories of survivors that are found in this book.

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple God's love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot shut out memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

Pathology Report

2010-01-18T18:00:00.000-05:00

Today I got my pathology report back. As my surgeon said, "No breast cancer is good, but my results have a positive outlook." My report shows NO cancer spreading in the lymph glands, lungs, or blood vessels! Praise be to God! They have labeled it a Stage 1. There was cancer in the ducts, but only 1 area of invasive cancer and it was about 1 1/2 cm in size. The mixed news was bad in that it was a particularly aggressive kind with more potential to spread or grow elsewhere, but the good news was that there is a highly effective drug that can be given in combination with chemo to fight it. I will be meeting with an oncologist hopefully sometime this week to find out all the particulars as to what drugs I will be taking, when, how much, for how long, etc. Also on a positive note, my drains came out today! I can sleep tonight without worrying about the drains which has been the most painful part of this process so far.

I have been overwhelmed with peoples responses and how many people have said they are praying for me. How humbling to know that my name is being lifted daily before the throne of God. My mom said the Lord gave her a passage that she has claimed since the day she found out that I had cancer. The verses she has been praying for me are Psalms 41:1-3.

Blessed is the one (me) who considers the poor (Micah)!

In the day of trouble the Lord delivers her;

The Lord protects her and keeps her alive;

She is called blessed in the land;

You do not give her up to the will of her enemies.

The Lord sustains her on her sickbed;

In her illness You restore her to full health.

How awesome to know that this is the prayer my mother is praying for me! Today I am thankful for answered prayers!

Fear vs. Love

2010-01-17T12:59:00.000-05:00

For years I have struggled with being fearful of God. Not so much afraid of Him, but fearful that He might not answer in my hour of need. I have struggled with why He is there to answer some prayers when people are in trouble, and why He does not seem to answer the prayers of others. Of course that led me to be a little fearful in my heart...would He answer when I needed Him?

About 1 month before my cancer diagnosis the Lord seemed to be speaking to my heart about trusting him. I was reading a book called, "There's Gotta Be More," by Donna Gaines and I read that you cannot fear God and be in love with Him at the same time. I John 4:18, "There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear." Once we realize that God's love toward us is "furious and perfect," we can entrust ourselves totally and completely to Him. We can offer our lives to God as a living sacrifice, which is a spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1) I confessed my fragile faith and tearfully whispered to my heavenly Father that I did not want to live in fear of Him, but instead wanted to live my life trusting Him and falling more in love with Him.

I know now that God was preparing my heart for the cancer news that was to come 2 weeks later. It's hard to explain, but even while I feel I am falling, I have a peace that I am actually resting safely in the palms of His hands. I have been receiving songs from friends that have touched me in different ways. It's funny how you can hear a song a million times and it doesn't speak to you, and then something happens and it's like you are hearing something you've never heard before. This song, "Bring The Rain," by Mercy Me said perfectly how I was feeling that first week we got the news.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

That Dreaded Word...CANCER.

2010-01-15T16:36:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog, I did not know that my first topic was going to be about my own breast cancer experience. Although I strongly admire the courageous women who are "survivors" and "fighters," breast cancer awareness was not one of my "passions." It's funny what a difference 1 month can make in your life. Now I am seeing the little pink ribbon everywhere I go and I'm wanting to buy pink everything. :)

What an overwhelming turn our lives have taken in just a few short weeks. Here is a brief timeline of my cancer story to date...

1 year ago I found a lump during a self exam. My doctor sent me to an imaging place for a mammogram and ultrasound. They told me that it was nothing. I was just getting older and my tissue was getting harder.
1 year later (November 09) I go in for my yearly and tell my doctor that the lump is still there, feels like it has changed a bit and has started bleeding a little bit. She sends me back to the same imaging place for another mammogram and they do 2 ultrasounds this time. Still, they tell me it is "nothing but a cyst." They say not to worry about it and to come back in 6 months to see if it has grown. My doctor says that is ridiculous and sets me an appointment with a surgical breast specialist.
December 10, 3 days after turning 38, I see the breast specialist. She does her own ultrasound and is immediately concerned. She does a biopsy on the spot that day.
December 14, I get a call that my biopsy is positive for cancer and I need an MRI to determine more clearly.
December 15, my husband and I meet with the surgeon to go over my options and have any questions answered.
December 17, I have an MRI which shows that I have invasive breast cancer.
We decide to wait till after the Christmas holidays to have my surgery for the sake of the kids and our family.
January 11, I have a pre-op x-ray and blood work.
January 13, I have a single mastectomy.

In one month, I have gone through a whirlwind of emotion. Although I have chosen to ignore my cancer till the end of the holidays, I am now going to try to write about my experience for my own therapy, so here we go.

Why...

2009-04-21T16:09:00.000-04:00

Why have I started this blog? I am creating this blog for my personal therapy! :) I have loved blogging about my families adoption experience on another site and will continue to do so, but this one is for me. I am excited to have a place where I can blog about my favorite things. This might include my passion for adoption, Compassion International, or organizations that are helping children and orphans in poverty. It might include what my Heavenly Father has been speaking to my heart lately. Since I am an avid reader, I would also like to use this site to comment on the latest books I have read. I guess this is my start and we'll see how it goes from here!